All this week has been very emotional for me. Feeling like a constant burden on my family. They’ve done nothing to make me feel this way, but I can’t help feeling useless some days. Where am I supposed to go with a life like this? I feel like I strive to live and wonder why. What’s my purpose?
My Gramps asked my grandma the same thing this week. He lives in a nursing home and doesn’t even know where he is most of the time. He stays in bed, needs to be bathed, etc. What kind of life is that? Obviously I selfishly want my grandpa to always be around, but I know in a small way how he’s feeling. It feels like there’s no point to any of it. To live a life, suffering, relying on others. Period.
I go to my family doctor later this morning, and then my dad and Lois are coming up to visit me because I have been so down. Thursday, I am going to look at a place with the housing co-ordinator and then Lilian my PSW is coming. I still have a lot of things to catch up on, like getting the tooth I broke fixed coming home from Belleville General Hospital, but right now it’s just not in me emotionally or physically.
Susan came by today, my social service worker, and talked to me a lot about how I have been feeling. She thinks I need to start getting nurses in here daily, and get IV’s of potassium water, to stay hydrated since I’m having a hard time keeping anything into me. She also wants me to talk to my GP tomorrow about going to a pain management doctor.
I spend all day long sick and tired. I used to love when night time would come, bc it would mean I’d have a few hours of not having to be concious to the fact I feel so terrible, but these damn pills are keeping me up all night regretting any food I ate during the day.
Besides that, I’m doing okay. Just shakey on my feet, and just waiting as each day goes by to start feeling better bit by bit. I got back to my crohn’s disease doctors, and the cardiologist on the tenth. Hopefully I will feel better for the drive by then.
Hope you’re all doing well!
Ash,
