My Love

I have been having a rough go.

I almost lost my dearest Zeus.

Out of no where every time he purred, it sounded like he was congested.  All of a sudden he was getting so exhausted doing the simplest things, that he would need to lay down.  So off to the vet he went.

I would have swore he had congestive heart failure, but nope!  My big boy had Diabetes!  And an infection in his bladder which he is getting antibiotics for.  When I heard the word Diabetes I just started crying.  He will be 15 in less than a couple of months!  I just couldn’t wrap my head around him not being here.

I literally would wake up and start crying right away.  When his brother Bizkit was put down six years ago, a piece of my heart was torn away from me.  I had aided in putting animals down at the clinic I worked at, but it’s nothing compared to when it is a pet you’ve loved yourself.  I was lucky then, because I still had Zeus.

I thought I never wanted to go through that pain I felt ever again, and it is not for a lack of love, but six years more with Zeus, and him being the only pet running around besides the girls (guinea pigs) it was a whole other heart break, that I didn’t think possible to feel.

I got a hold of someone who was able to fully explain that his glucose had to be between 3-8, and Zeus was 17.2!!!  So they got him on the diabetic food WD, and on an antibiotic for the infection, and by the next morning it was down to 16.  Not enough obviously, but enough for that short amount of time, for him to come home to me!

OBVIOUSLY I wanted nothing more than to bring my baby home, and I literally threw my silverware at the drawer when she said I could (was putting away clean dishes)  But I literally felt like a part of my depression cracked.  No other word for it.  I had felt kind of strung along a bit, not knowing what was going on exactly, with his chances for making it, etc. so I had basically been waiting for the call to come in and put him down.  My emotions had been on such a roller coaster that I literally felt like I cracked.

I am still be effected by it all.  I have dealt with a lot during the time my depression had fully reared it’s ugly head, but this was the first time I thought I was going to have a rough go coming back from this.  I took my first Lorazepam in a couple of years!  And I boy did I need it.  I felt fucked bc of it.  I still do.  Like I can’t get my head back to the proper stable way of thinking.

I had been sicker than a dog, with what I assume was the flu.  My heart rate and blood pressure were all messed up as though my beta blocker quit working.  So off the doctors I went, bc I couldn’t get my body to feel better.  So she ordered some tests, the first of which are fine.  Will see what the EKG says.

Unfortunately, my sister has lost her dear Loki (orange and white cat above)  He was only about two years old, and we still don’t know what caused it.  She woke up this morning to find him passed away on the floor.  Mom had seen him during the night too, and went over and gave him a pet too.  I feel so bad for them.  I know Amanda is heart broken with his passing.

Will write soon!


POTS In the Fall

13872867_10155437519439815_8317146367640829432_nWow I totally suck at writing!   I have actually been feeling a tad better, so I’ve been doing stuff I’ve been wanting to do like crazy.

My dad got his second hip surgery done, and thankfully he seems to be doing better than he did the last time.  We aren’t having Thanksgiving with the nieces and nephews there though, but I don’t blame them.  Going to try to have them come up at some point between then and Christmas if they can come up.  I miss them terribly.

14445846_10155590006079815_1815995785_nBeen working on knitting projects.  Got some baby soft wash cloths done, and am now working on knitted owl toys.  The first one didn’t turn out, only bc I used too big of needles, so I am redoing the big owl, and making a bunch of owlets.

I am also reading… or attempting to, The Girl On the Train.  It’s coming out as a movie, and looks like it’s going to be a good mystery, so I thought I’d read the book first.  So far so good.

14483903_10155593186374815_1515497981_n-1Really stressed about Christmas this year.  I haven’t been able to buy a present yet.  I literally pay my bills, and get the essentials, and I still don’t have enough for many groceries.  How is a person on Disability supposed to live???

Been working on making things with the stuff I have, that I can sell, but so far no bites.  Maybe I’m not posting them well?  Or they really aren’t that good?  It’s impossible to get your money back knitting bc of the hours it takes to make stuff, but using up my old wool to at least make something from it.  We shall see.

14518222_10155603405479815_533724920_nWent to the Infusion Clinic yesterday.  Feeling so pooped and exhausted, but at least that’s done until the end of November now.

Will try to write soon again.  I am hoping next time I see the Internist, which won’t be for a long time, he’d be willing to up the Florinef bc I am noticing a slight difference at least.  Upping the Midodrine would be good too, but I got the feeling he didn’t want to do that.  We shall see.

Talk soon!


For My Family

My cousin’s fiance is very very ill and has been struggling for years.  Her doctors are unable to help her anymore, so she is going for a holistic approach, that had started to help previously, but was and is now unable to afford the cost, due to being on Ontario Disability.

She has a GoFundMe set up to help with the medical costs.  I am asking anyone that can help, please do!  Any amount is helping her get to the amount needed.  If you really can’t help, please share the page, and get the word out there!

Take Care.



13664652_10155366896234815_319275869_n.jpgOmg the heat here has been bloody awful.  It’s actually raining for the first time in forever, and now I need to change the water in my a/c.

Preacher (HBO show based off my second favourite comic!)  Finished it’s first season.  Every time I’d watch it from my laptop, hooked up to my TV, even on full blast, I could barely hear it.  So now thanks to a friend, I can hear it, and doing a rewatch of the entire season.  Actually enjoying it more now than when I watched it one episode per week.

13817233_10155360391909815_1192201852_nI am now on Florinef.  I’ve known about it for years from other posty friends being put on it, but never had a doctor want to me on it.  So I started it finally thanks to my Internist that I saw last week.  No bad side effects, yet nothing at all right now, so we shall see how it goes.  I hope well, bc if it doesn’t, based off how he spoke, that will be the end of all her thinks he can do for me.

13820459_10155360391864815_1494448226_nI respect with the little research being done on POTS, that he wouldn’t have much else to offer me that way, but what about keeping a search out for the possibility of another illness?  He checked my hormones, and tested me for one illness.  I am willing to go through any kind of Hellish testing to try to find something that might be fixable, but he no longer seems to want to himself.  Back to the drawing board again I suppose.

13838313_10155366898669815_983110160_oMy next Remicade infusion, I’ll be only staying for the 2 hours.  I won’t have to stay the extra hour any more, so that’s good!  My last blood work the G I ordered… which means nothing will be done about it, said my MCH was low.  Found out that’s normally low B12, but of course my B12 wasn’t being checked for some reason, so that will just have to be an enigma for now.

My sister’s birthday is on Monday.

13819319_10155360385609815_1586281860_nI would like to get Zeus into the vet in September, for a check up, and to ask some diet questions.  He’s still having the odd time, a hard time going to the bathroom.  Want to weigh my options of what I can do to help the little man.

Got the girls a bunch of new wood chews and a big straw ball, and they were absolutely hilarious to watch.  Gotta love pets, who are truly thankful when you do something for them.  What great little dears.  On the bad front with them, they now give me hives too.  Not as bad as Reese used to, but alas I have to use eye drops, Benadryl and a cortisol cream after holding them, or cleaning their cage.

I am running on zero sleep.  My back is killing me.  I didn’t fall asleep until after 5am yesterday either.

Nothing else is new.  Just bummed from my health outcome yet AGAIN, and not been very sociable or talkative.

Take Care



12-Dancing-Princesses.jpgIt’s been SO long!  I have been really out of it lately, and just haven’t had it in me to sit down and write until now.

I got taken off Humira, and have now had two infusions of Remicade.  The first one I got with a cortisol shot and I was in so much pain that night, I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital.  Then I ended up with a sun rash from the medication and ended in the ER twice bc of feeling like my breathing was labored, which ended up being due to low blood pressure, and a low heart rate.

I am doing better on it now.  I get Benadryl and refuse the cortisol, and have SPF 60 sun screen which I put on every day lol.  I am stocked up!  I got my first infusion, two weeks later then second, and I go back in a month for the third, and then after I go every eight weeks.

I tried doing this paper crafting, where you roll up paper like a straw, and then roll them into a little circle and keep attaching more to the end, which when you are done, comes out to looking like a bowl.  That is some mystic horse shit that I DO NOT get!  Mine turned into a spiral of paper and gooey glue. Lol.  I am not made for crafting.  BOO!

Got spoiled and got to see my best friend Nicole twice this month.  The first time was to do a photo shoot at her parent’s place / in the style of an art show she has tomorrow.  I also got to see all the memory places for her, like the creek, her room, where her grandparent’s farm was, etc.  That alone was awesome🙂

I was also able to scoot out for a quick visit yesterday to wish her luck and cuddle her animals.  I love them to pieces!  I got to pet and visit a little with her littlest adopted Sophie, and Pabu who is getting so good at not being nervous, allowed me to hold him!  They were all rescued strays, so they have a hard time with people they don’t know.  Now their other cat Yuki, you would never know it, bc she loves the attention, and their dog Lily is just the greatest little cutie thanks to their hard work in training her.  They’re all my little dolls❤

Today we celebrated my mom’s birthday.  Nick goes to his dad’s tomorrow, which is her actual birthday, so we had lunch here today, and then they were going out to a park.  We were all going to go to the park to eat, etc.  but I haven’t been doing so well, so they all came up here with sandwiches, and I made a cake for her.  We realised we didn’t have candles, so I had a long skinny one at my table, and my sis and I just smucked it right in the middle of the cake and lit it LOL.  My sis even helped me, by doing the girl’s cage.  I didn’t expect her to, with her allergies too, but I am so thankful she did!

Tomorrow we are going shopping for mom’s birthday to get her a plant, bush, whatever she wants, of her choice.  I couldn’t get it before, bc my worker who takes me out, was off work, but this way she can pick the one she wants most.

Will try to write more often.  Hope you all are doing well!


Month Long

100_0069Well I heard back from my test for Myenthsa Gravis Disease… totally did NOT spell that right, but I’m too tired and lazy to Google it lol.  It was negative.  Which totally shocked me.  Yes good I don’t have something… but there’s something, and that would have begun the fixing process.  I don’t see him again until August.  I hope he’s still going to keep looking for what it could be!

Went to my G I and he agreed my reaction to the Humira isn’t like most people’s rash like reaction.  He swears it’s bc it has nickel in the needle, and I’m allergic to nickel.  Unfortunately, he contacted the Humira company to get a hold of me with other options for getting it, and there isn’t any without nickel in it.  Really?  So odd to me, bc I know quite a few people who get a rash from it.  Looks like I’ll be going on Remicade now and go to the hospital once a month for the day to get it through IV BOO!

My grandma scarily had a heart attack.  It was very minor, and she is recovering better than I thought someone half her age would, but it is still terrifying that she had one period.  Minor or not… a heart attack is a heart attack, and she’s in her mid eighties!  Thank God she’s taken such good care of herself.

Aunt Kelly was down bc of grams, so she stayed with me one night and let me test my cooking skills out on her.  I think I did pretty good!  Speaking of cooking, I have added a recipe page to this blog for recipes I find yummy, and think you would all too!  Let me know if you try any of them out!

Called my dad today to wish him a happy father’s day, and Lois reminded us it’s next Sunday LOL.  Oh well.  Now he knows he’ll be getting a call next week too about it lol.  I have a gift for him, but have no way of getting out there to get it to him.  Him and Lois came up a few weeks ago, and he tuned my guitar for me❤  Gotta love our dad’s🙂

Nicole and Adam came to visit when I told her how stressed I had been.  They came up with my furry niece puppy, Lily and let her stay with me for cuddles while they did some shopping and got us lunch bc I was too sick to go.  She impresses me more and more, how good she is getting.  I needed my puppy love!

Nothing much is going on this week.  I am going through my crap and resorting it, so I have somewhere to put everything and not just have it laying around everywhere.  So far the crap is winning! Lol.

Take Care.


Catch Up

13098905_474217519439142_1750729996_n(1)Well I went back to the Internist again.  Honestly thinking, bc he is taking over my POTS and any other Neuro type issues, if I should just stop going to my Neurologist in Kingston.  He’s a great man, but does NOTHING for me.  All he says is, “Keep doing what you’re doing!”  And that obviously hasn’t been working, so why drive once a year for two hours each way, just to be told that?  Considering it.  I don’t go to see him until August, so I may go one more time, or not at all and just cancel the appointment.

The Internist got all of my test results, except for the one that has a turn over rate of 30 business days, for Mayenthsa Gravis.  All the others came back good, so while we are waiting for the results of the other, he is trying me back on Midodrine for POTS.  I was put on back almost 10 years ago before I even tried a beta blocker, but they  didn’t give it a good shot, especially considering it took two and a half years to get me on the right dosage on my Beta Blocker.  So we are trying it again.  I am all for this, but you cannot lay down for a half hour after taking it… and it was an hour for me bc my blood pressure would drop so low I couldn’t get up off that couch.  He wants me to take it three times a day, but with my randomly falling asleep, it worries me!  Half the time I don’t mean to fall asleep it’s just BOOM and I’m out.

13150948_1268168146526759_1626993719_nI’ve been feeling better this past week!  Not on the medicine yet (I get it delivered tonight)  but having a great haul of it!  I got my new dresser repainted, and I don’t like the color I chose for the drawers, so just need to redo them now, and I am done!  My dad is going to give me his antique ceramic knobs he has to go with it, so it’ll give it that extra punch🙂

I was also able to get out with my friend for a late dinner.  I was out and asleep about a half hour after I got home, but at least I did it! Lol.  And I got to meet her puppy who fell asleep in my lap, and wanted to sneak home with me!

13129971_1043145832422489_1744492991_nI was also able today alone, to get the cat litter dumped, the girl’s cage cleaned and garbages ready for tomorrow, and go out and do some weeding!  Now it’s no where near as good of a job as I’d normally want, but I also got that Miracle Gro seeds that you just shake into the yard and the grow nice annuals, to fill up your beds.  I hope it works… less weeding!!!

I was also able to make my mom and yummy broccoli dinner yesterday.  I want to start adding my recipes that I love on here, and link them from a site, if that’s where I got them from.

I am going to head out and get dinner started.  So nice to be somewhat normal like!!!!  Well still not really, but yay none the less!!!