I’ve been deep in thought the last few weeks. Maybe longer. I have all these amazing things happening for me, and yet I’m sad. I am and I am not. I’m truly appreciating my life and the amazing people in it. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am, but I get sad still every once in a while, for what seems like no apparent reason.
I’ve got clients lined up for my readings and my reiki, I have a new job as an office administrator from home, which will allow me to get bills paid off and save some money for a change without starving. That’s huge to me. My health is crap, but that’s the way it is this time of year especially. I have so much knowledge and the ability to do that at my disposal and yet here I am w tears in my eyes and I don’t know why.
Everyone has something they would change if they could, but really I’m content. I wish I could get rid of this fear blocking me from my growth spiritually bc it’s beginning to affect other areas of my life, and I don’t want that. I don’t even know what I’m afraid of. Maybe it’s purely bc it’s unknown to a big degree still, despite what I’ve experienced.
I said to a friend maybe my depression is ingrained in me like a habit, but I don’t think it is. I’m a truly silly, happy, giggly, easy going person. More so than most. I let a lot slide off my shoulders when most would lose it. So why the sadness? I also said it feels like I have all these doors opened in front of me and I don’t know which one to go through. Maybe I want to go through them all… and I plan to. Maybe I’m scared of what’s on the other side of it. Who knows.
I’ve lost a lot of people in my life this past year, whom I thought would be in my life forever. Do I regret it? I don’t believe in that. Things happen for a reason, and I don’t just mean fated. I also think that too many people in this world receive, but don’t give back, and that happens to me a lot. They take my laid back approach and end up using me up to the point where one day I just leave and don’t come back. Does it mean I love them any less? No. I’m just too sick to deal with it any more and feel I’ve been given no other choice.
I’m a social person, who needs to recharge. People constantly rely on me for things bc they know I will do it, bc anyone else would charge money, or they don’t have the resources to. I am in that position, so I want to be able to do for others, what they otherwise couldn’t do. I spend all, but maybe 2 of my waking hours doing things for other people bc I love them and I know they appreciate it. I’m tired though. I have been told time and again I need to stop this, but as it is, I have friends I haven’t talked to one on one in ages bc when I do get those 2 hours, I am just too exhausted to give any more. So I’m making it my goal, my intent, and what I will do, to spend more time on me only. The ones who matter will understand, and the ones who don’t will go, and I’m okay w that.