Where I Go

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january15 001My depression has really hit me lately.  Mind you, I have had some genuine stress going on in my life.

I got my fish tank sold to a girl who is just learning the hobby, so it was fun to give her a bunch of starter stuff, and advice.

january15 002My mom sadly, the day after her move had a heart attack.  Talk about mind numbing and not feeling real!  I was in total shock.  She’s doing well and is home now thankfully!  My friend Nicole and her hubby Adam came up and helped me close my mom’s house down from the move.

I got a call from my family doctor regarding my blood work I got done last, and I go in on the 5th to find out what’s up.  I doubt it’s anything since I’ve been waiting a while for the appointment.  Weirdly I hope something that can explain what’s going on will show, so I can finally try something new to get better.  I just keep getting worse it feels like.

Dad came after his trip to the States with Lois.  He brought Amanda and I, our Valentine’s Day flowers, a neat woven iguana and a cute necklace.  I couldn’t keep the flowers though bc he got me the kind I’m allergic to.  Sweet of him though.

My stress level has just been through the roof.  It takes little to nothing to set me off crying and feeling hurt and uncared about.  Thank God for Nicole, my friend mentioned above, bc she always is there understanding why I am feeling the way I do, and taking my mind off it.  All I want to do is sleep and not wake up until all this is over with.  All this sadness.  I just want to lay like a zombie and not think, not talk, not do anything.  With the physical illnesses on the rampage, it’s not making it any easier for me to get things done.  My room is full of clothes that need putting away from me going through what I want hung in the closet, and what I want folded in the dresser.  Just one thing after another, that I simply can’t do.

Other Potsy’s get like this?  I know we have our grieving days, but this isn’t that… it feels like my depression which has been in remission, has actually been shaken to the core.

Will write more when I find out the results from my doctor.

Ash,bb

January 2015

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jan2015 006My family doctor has been doing blood work tests on me, and so far nothing is showing.  My weight keeps going up and down within a 20 lbs range.  I’m getting frustrated and worried the doctors will just give up.  My knee is still messed up!  Not as horrible as it is at first, but it’s NOT getting better, and I can barely walk let alone do exercising!

jan2015 012My John Constantine doll came in to the comic book shop here!  I LOVE it!  He is also going to order me the next graphic novel I need.  I have a list of them all published, and am going through in order of the ones I have, and trying to get the few I’m missing.

jan2015 010I’m done Gone, by James Patterson.  About a man who is in protective custody with his children bc a scary murderer he put away is on the loose.  Well of course the police are no good, so they bring him back to catch the guy while his kids, etc. stay in hiding.  I liked it!

Now I’m reading Gone Girl again.  I really want to see the movie finally, but I want to finally get this book finished up.  it’s hard to know where you’re at in a book on a Kobo, bc it only shows the number of pages in the chapter you are reading, but I’ve got to be around 100 pages in, and it feels like it needs to pick up a bit.

jan2015 009I’ve started trimming the pet’s nails, instead of having my PSW do it, bc it’s important to me that I do it.  I thought Roxy would be the easiest, but she’s been biting and everything else.  Stella, who I thought would be the worst, was the best out of the guinea pigs, and miss Reese babe was good for the most part, but gave me a few warning bites once she had, had enough, but didn’t actually hurt me.

jan2015 004Got my dental work done finally.  It was very painful, and hard on my POTS (adrenalin in freezing).  The other version without the adrenalin was terrible for actually freezing and hurt SO much more.  Just glad it’s over with!

I don’t have any doctor appointments again until the Spring when I go to the G I.

BeFunky_null_14.jpgNicole and Adam came up with their new pup Lilly, whom I adore.  She had made on Vista Print, a beautiful calendar for me, with photos of all my furry babies and family too.  It turned out PERFECT.  I love it!  They came over today too and we got pizza and just relaxed after they had gone on a hike with Lilly near by.

Finally got dad and Lois out for lunch/dinner too.  Dad got seconds, and Lois had me email her the recipe (rolled spinach lasagna) so I’d say it turned out well!  Lol.  I love cooking for people when I’m well enough to!

Talk Soon…ish!

Ash,

PS  Made the decision to finally get rid of the fish tank.  Going to keep my small Beta one, but the big one is just too much work.  Got great homes for them all, and the angel is going to my mom :)

Happy New Year!

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dec2014 019Going way back… my birthday was good!  I turned 32.  I went to the G I in the morning, and got to relax and enjoy a day of doing nothing.  With a nice yummy boiled dinner with my Gram’s awesome, wackie cake!

Nick’s 9th birthday party was fun.  He had two friends over for the night, and got tons of fun gifts.  I got tons of pictures!

dec2014 004I was to go in for an iron infusion, but decided against it.  My Neuro wanted it for me, not bc I have low iron, but bc I have restless legs.  I was cool with that, until I found out, if you have narrowing of the bowel (which I do) that it can cause complications and make it very blocked!  Plus, for some reason, a lot of people getting the infusions, have an anaphalectic (sp?) allergic response to it.  So I decided to talk to my G I about it, the next time I go in to see him before doing them.

dec2014 015Christmas Eve was nice.  Amanda couldn’t come, but Meghan and her husband came with Nick and I.  It was great to see and cuddle my great nephews too.  The oldest was running around chasing Nick… they grow WAY TOO FAST!

dec2014 011Christmas morning, aunt Kelly and grams picked me up, and we went up to mom’s. I was so sick I swore I had the flu, and just laid on the couch with the fan blowing on me until I was well enough to do gifts.  I got a lot of nice things, and everyone seemed happy with the gifts I got them!

dec2014 017Boxing Day was boring at mom’s.  It was just Amanda, Meghan, her husband and I with Nick, until Meghan’s son Liam finally got there.  Then it was more fun to see him open all our gifts for him.

dec2014 006The next night, Amanda and I went to gram’s with mom and had dinner with aunt Kelly before she caught the train home.  We got a bunch of group pictures done.  Nice and silly ones, and I snuck in an african violet, Nicole had given me for grandma.

dec2014 016Since then, I have been crazy run down.  Just getting up to get my coat and shoes on has me huffing and puffing.  I’m so freaking exhausted, and the restless legs will NOT let me sleep.  Then of course my Patella problem I get with my knees hit me.  Why I don`t know, but it`s slowly getting better now thankfully.

dec2014 014I seriously just want to cry lately.  The idea of going to the bathroom to get ready for bed seems truly too much for me.  I`m just so weak and tired feeling, with a lot of pain to boot.  I feel like I can`t get enough rest.  I really hope my family doctor will help me figure this out, when I go to see her this month.

10846188_10154894238555594_8320126893563515067_nNew Years was boring.  I was so sick, so I just stayed at home watching Dead Files,and giving myself the creeps until midnight, and watched the ball drop.

Speaking of New Years, today is my Zeusy`s 13th birthday.  I love my handsome little love.  He has been there with me through SO much!

Talk soon!

Ash,

Calm

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100_0024I’m sorry for the last post, but I was having a sick of being sick day!  I hate crabbing about my illnesses, because I see people around me all of the time who are doing way worse, but sometimes you just need to grieve it out!

100_0017My birthday by the way went very well.  Amanda gave me a beautiful painting my uncle Casey had bought my grandparents.  Not only is it my style of art, that I love, but the fact that he is now gone, makes it even more special to me.  I couldn’t believe she gave it to me.  It means everything.

100_0008We had our big Pauls Family Christmas party the weekend before.  It was nice to get to see that side of the family, since that’s usually the only time I do!  I got to meet my second great nephew Carter for the first time and maul him to death.  He is beautiful and perfect just like Jase.

100_0003This past weekend, we had another dinner at my mom’s place… the one I was freaking out about.  I got my cookies done the next day, and literally slept the rest of it.  My mom made the potatoes for me, and the day of the party, I just made the mac and cheese recipe my step mom makes.

Okay my Grams is here, so I need to bounce.  Will add photos later.

***UPDATE***

Sorry, my Grams came to visit on a whim, and had the phone company out.

The party this past weekend, ended up great!  The only bad part, was my great nephew Jase was sick, so him and Jess could’t come out, and my sister in law, Stacey was working.  Otherwise, it was great to see everyone!

Will write after Christmas!  Take care!

Ash,

Frustrating!

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10846384_10154894200875594_1546532297122530215_nI hate these stupid illnesses!  I planned this entire week to work with the dumb ass things, and now bc I forgot to get margarine, I’ve screwed my weekend completely up.  Yes stupid, mean, uncaring healthy people, who don’t even try to understand… something as simple as that, can throw your whole week out of whack.

10404864_10154894230515594_3914640645235955035_nI wanted to make the macaroon cookies today (which I need the margarine for),  get the potato salad all ready for mixing together on Sunday and have my shower.  Then Sunday, the day of a Christmas party I’m making all this stuff for, all I would have to do, is make the mac and cheese bake, that is the hardest to do bc I have to do it standing over the stove, and right before it’s due to be served.

10846188_10154894238555594_8320126893563515067_nNow that I messed that up, I have to bake the cookies and prep the potato salad and shower tomorrow, and I don’t think I will be able to do all that :(  That’s beyond sickening!  I am feeling SO terrible lately, I just can’t keep up!  People don’t get how hard it is to do the simplest things, let alone things that require heat… like the cooking over the oven for the cookies and mac and cheese, and taking a shower.  It’s humiliating and I hate that all I want to be able to do is be clean, and cook a few dishes for a family dinner :(

1907914_10154894192735594_4202881416369885446_nAll I want to do is sleep lately.  My blood work came back clear for my hormones, but he wants me to get IV’s of iron.  I don’t think I am low in it though.  My family doctor got me to take the test again, since when I saw her, there were no results back yet, after a couple months.  If it’s not this, than what the Hell is it???  I’ve gained 40 lbs in 2 months!!!  How is that even possible???  I just want to go to sleep and wake up when the doctors figure out what it is.  My Neuro is no longer doing anything about it, so I pray to God that my family doctor will, or I’ll just be tossed aside again!

Ash,

Chugging

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This whole decorating for Christmas thing is slowly but surely coming along.  Step… by bloody slow step!

For some crazy idea when I bought new lights for the tree this year, I thought I’d get them with white wiring… now why the H E double hockey sticks would I do that when I have a dark green tree???  It doesn’t look as bad as I thought it would, but it’s still no where near that great looking either.  *Forehead smack*

nov21 009I hadn’t realized until I came on here, that it’s been since Halloween since I wrote!

I am trying to get sooo much stuff done, and I feel like none of it is actually getting done!  The sad part is, this would be nothing for a healthy person to do all in a weekend, and I’m just wanting to get it done by Christmas lol.

I still have so much more shopping to do, and not enough money to do it with.  My grandma has been the hardest to find a present for.  She doesn’t need anything, and she doesn’t want so much excess crap (which is smart)  but it makes her hard to buy for.  Plus, she’s that stereotype grandma who loves to spoil you with love, and do whatever she can for you, so she’s someone I want to get a really nice present for.  Something practical,  but yet also shows how much I appreciate her!

nov21 023My 32nd birthday is coming up in a little over a week.  Yet again I hate celebrating this day.  I say this every year, but other people’s birthday… love to spoil them.  My own… I hate doing anything for.  I’m not a kid.  Presents aren’t exciting or necessary.  I  will go up to my mom’s and have my Newfie dinner, and instead of some fancy cake, I just like my grams home made wackie cake she makes.  Simple, relaxing, family, and food.  That’s all I want.

nov21 015Yesterday Grams, mom, Steffi and I went out to the mall to go Christmas shopping.  I got Meghan her gift, and my aunt Kelly her stocking gift, and Jase my oldest great nephew’s Christmas gift.  Well part of anyway.  I get paid on Friday and then I get my boots I ordered for my birthday, and can finish up picking up the gifts I ordered and hopefully have enough left over, to get the rest of them.

After that, I have my family doctor’s appointment.  She asked me to bring in photos of Zeus and the girls.  So I ordered the prints from Walmart which I can pick up any time before I see her.  Then I have to get my teeth cleaned, and go to the GI.

nov21 017I feel like I will have a lot to do the next week, where I wish I could get some of it done this week.  The Pauls family dinner is at my dad and Lois’ this year, so I have to go get sweet pickles to bring lol.  Then my birthday, then another Christmas party the next weekend.  Soon after that, it will be Nick’s 9th birthday, and then Christmas Eve dinner at my dad’s!  It’s all happening in one jumbled mess around me needing to get gifts and get to my doctor’s appointments too.  Plus I am trying to get this place in semi normal order and decorate for Christmas.  Can I run away now?

Will write soon….ish.

Ash,