Broken

Wow I just got back from meeting with the girl that is going through depression wise, what I was before.  She’s a complete sweet heart and doesn’t even see her true self.  We have so much in common with what I went through before it was scary to see it on someone else!  We both got teary eyed at one point, and I think Susan did too lol.  It was really nice to meet her.  I hope we stay in touch.

Aunt Ya Ya & Nick Xmas morning

Yesterday, I went to my mom’s for the afternoon.  It was nice and relaxing 🙂 I got to see my youngest nephew too for a while.  He was making me play Batman on his DS… which I have no idea how to use lol and he was making me help him get out of the bat cave which is a LOT easier said than done! hehe.  It was fun though, we were laughing at each other and being silly.  Just what I needed.  I wish I got to see my nieces and other nephew as often as I see Nick.

My sis finally gave me school pictures!  I already have them in my wallet and up with other family pictures lol.  She also gave me some extra chicken and mozzarella balls she had left over so more yummy food for me 🙂

I’m now reading, “Look Me in the Eye”  it’s a story about a man’s life with Aspergers.  I was recommended it, and really didn’t think it would keep my attention, but it’s actually really good!  He’s funny too so it keeps the story going on a good note despite bad times.  And a really cool thing I learned about him, is he is the brother of Augustin Burroughs who is the author of, “Running With Scissors”  which is a hilarious book that was made into a movie.  You’d never know it was his actual life, bc it’s so manic and crazy!  I love it.  Both great writers!

Anyway, I’m having more money matters to deal with, that I should finally get calling people about since it’s after lunch now, and see what I can do to finally get my dad off my back about it lol.  I appreciate more than he knows, that he’s helping me, but I need to be treated a little better about it.

Alright I’m off!

Ash xoxoxo

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And the Results Are In…

I’m having another stressed out day.  Whenever I go to one of my specialist I leave there all nerved up and edgy.  Nothing bad happened though.  I wasn’t expecting ANY help so I shouldn’t complain.  I think it’s just wigging with my depression a bit.

sleepy

So my mom took me to see my cardiology team of doctors.  I saw the one I find a little intimidating and a little hard to ask questions to.  He was really good with me though.  He made me do the lay down, then sit up, then stand, while checking blood pressure and heart rate.  He said my blood pressure is actually really good, but I know that if I’m antsy it raises really easily, but it’s nice to know it’s not super low.  My heart rate is high, but wasn’t too bad today… of course lol.  The Cardiologist was really good in trusting how bad I’ve been feeling though, which is nice!  He doesn’t know what he can do for me.  All he did was reiterate what every potsie knows to do… get up slowly, don’t stand in one spot for too long.  Fine of him to mention, but nothing new to me of course.  I think he was more talking to my mom so she’d know.

So he would like me too see the Neurologist in the hospital that deals with POTS which is wikid bc I met him very quickly in my first appointment, and he seems really sweet, and is RIGHT into learning as much as he can with patients and really listens to what they’re saying.  So he’s going to talk to him personally and get me a referral.  He’d like him to be the one to assess me next and decide what tests should be done on me, bc my Cardiologist thinks there may be something else as well speeding up my heart, since it’s almost 30 bpm too high when I’m laying down, let alone when I get up, and it keeps getting worse as time goes on.

He is also referring me to an exercise program with the rehabilitation guys to try to help me gain some muscle and energy, which is wikid bc I miss working out so much.  Hopefully this will allow me to get back at least close to where I was.

I always thought this whole time, that it was my blood pressure being so low that was making me feel so sick, but apparently it’s the high heart rate…. so now I just have to be constantly resting and taking my time doing things.

I’m exhausted now from standing up so long in there, and then the long drive there and back, but at least I stayed awake this time lol.  We stopped at a chip truck on the way home and got some chow so I’m feeling a bit better though.  Back pain is starting to kick in.

I wasn’t going to write again so soon, but I needed to vent and wanted to let you all know the good news too 🙂 I am happy with how it went bc I wanted to see the neurologist and get into a work out program, and I didn’t expect to get even that.  I see my Cardiologist in 6 months again to see how I’m progressing.

Hope you guys have a great weekend 🙂 Will be posting a YouTube video soon as well.

Mwah!

Ash,

I’m Going to Lose It!!!

tired panda

I’m really frustrated right now.  I’ve been having non stop problems with my student loan, which still isn’t completely set up yet bc I’m waiting to get my damn checks, and NOW I find out the my credit counseling company hasn’t paid one of the loans I consolidated with them in 4 months!  I called the lady bc now the biller is threatening legal action saying they’ve been trying to get a hold of me… which is funny bc there hasn’t been one message on my machine from them!  So my mom who’s been out of work finds out they’ve been calling her non stop there bc she’s my co-signer!

I hate money and all the stress that comes with it!  I’m trying to get my life back in order, I’m too damn sick to sit at my computer for more than 15 mins. how the hell am I supposed to work????  I need to be working sooo badly and I can’t.  It’s literally impossible for me to right now.  Just really stressed and mad bc this loan shouldn’t even be my problem!  It’s my credit counselor’s problem!  I’ve been paying the monthly payments to them, so if they aren’t paying off my bills with it I’m going to flip out!

On a good note… even though I’m still pissed!  I’m going to coffee with my counselor next week and a girl around my age that is going through a lot of the stuff I was before, so I’m coming as kind of a way to prove that yes… when bill companies aren’t being fuck heads! life actually is beautiful and worth sticking around for!  Fuckers! ahhhh lol

I’m reading, “The Murder of King Tut” and it’s kick ass.  True facts, mysterious, yadda yadda.  It is dated in the late 1800’s- early 1900’s, present time, and in the time of King Tut’s life.  So it’s pretty interesting bc you get to see how the author is researching everything for the book and also what he’s going through, as well as the excavation of when his tomb was uncovered, and King Tut’s reign.

I wasn’t going to write today, since tomorrow is my Cardiologist appointment, but I am so frustrated and mad, that I needed somewhere to vent, and talking to my mom about it just got me more mad for some reason lol which is the LAST thing I need!

Anyway, I’ll do an update within the next few days to let you all know how it went with the doctors.  I’m also excited bc I got a dietitian appointment for next month, then to my GP for a physical (not so fun lol) and I’m going to be hounding her with a bunch of stuff I need her to do for me.  (referrals, letters, etc.)

Hope you’re all doing well! *hugs*

Ash,

Exciting News for Crohn’s Students!

Every year so much money is allocated to different diseases, to give out scholarships for students struggling through their classes.  This year, Crohn’s Disease is getting $5000 scholarships to be handed out through the Crohn’s & Colitis Foundation of Canada!  Being a student with multiple problems (one being Crohn’s) it’s impossible to work, let alone pay for a student loan!  This is a great opportunity for everyone in school.  There are of course requirements, so head to the website I’ll post below, and make sure to check out the rules on how to enter for your chance of $5000 towards classes 🙂

http://www.ccfc.ca/English/research/opportunities.html#ucb

Hurry!  Because there is a deadline!

Xo’s!

Ash,

Autoimmune Disease

I’m reading the most remarkable book titled, “Living With Autoimmune Disease.”  It’s written by a woman who has multiple autoimmune diseases and

one of many great shots I got on a beautiful day

the facts this woman talks about is crazy!  I really recommend anyone with an autoimmune disease (Crohn’s Disease is one of them!) to read this book!  It may bring light as to why you have the disease in the first place!

Well, I have been doing better since using the bed wedge, but still had some bad days.  Thursday I was feeling pretty rough, and was worried about not being able to meet with my professor on Friday to go over my school work, but I felt really good Friday!  He said what I have done so far is perfect, and helped me figure out what I can add to the rest of my portfolio 🙂 So him and I will meet again around June with my rough draft of my portfolio, and then all I’ll have to do is the finishing touch ups of it 🙂

Speaking earlier of the autoimmune diseases, I am going to add more about different ones that can come up from already have one… like Crohn’s Disease, which I have, and discuss mostly on here.

I got some great photos of the Zeus man done on a really beautiful sunny day, so I am going to post a couple on here, as well as a picture of my youngest nephew Nick, who I had the pleasure to have visit with me the other evening after dinner.  He always stands outside my window when he goes to go home, and we pretended to hug lol.  He’s such a ham, he had us all laughing.  He likes to sit on the middle part of my eliptical trainer, and then push down on the

Nick

feet part since he’s so short lol.  He wanted to get up on one of my stools I use in the kitchen when cooking or doing dishes, so I lifted him onto it, and took the picture you’re also going to see in this entry.

Next Friday I’m going to my cardiologist appointment, and I will write after as well to let you all know what I found.

Xo’s!

Ash,

Busy Bee

Hey everyone 🙂 The weather here has been beautiful!  Strangely enough even though everyone else is warm, I’ve been feeling like I’ve had a cold chill!  That never happens! hehe.

Me & Candace (my hair looks terrible lol)

My sister has been here the last couple of days because my mom tore up all the old carpet in the townhouse and is putting hardwood flooring down and painting, etc.  So Amanda has been here to get away from all the noise and dust.

Yesterday her and I went to the mall… you don’t realize just how crappy, crappy food makes you feel until you’ve been eating really healthy lol.  I felt like I had 100 lbs attached to my stomach as we walked around after eat a poutine lol.  Sooo good though mmm 🙂

I was able to get to the bulk barn in the mall and find some cooking ingredients I’ve wanted to try, which is awesome bc Friday I was so sick I couldn’t meet with my professor for coffee.  I don’t know what happened.  I felt normal sick all day Thursday then went to my mom’s so she could take me to see my professor the next day.  I ended up spending the whole time in her bed sick and really nauseous, dizzy and in a lot of pain.  It lasted until Friday night.

I did push myself to go to Medigas to get a bed wedge though and I’m SO glad I did.  I woke up yesterday for the first time in ages not feeling like I was so shaky I was convulsing lol.  Also found it easier standing in once spot.  Not a lot, but enough to do some quick cooking.

My sis helped by going on a cleaning rampage lol.  It’s nice to have a clean place again 🙂

This morning I felt pretty shaky waking up, but still better than usual.  I’ve been up since 5am and I’m surprised I’ve not fallen asleep yet from exhaustion lol.

I got a whole other section of school work done though, to show my professor next Friday.  It was a goals paper, which I was having trouble with because how do you plan for the future when you don’t know if it will involve you being sick or not?

Tomorrow Cheshire Homes is coming.  They are the people that could potentially help me clean up around here.  Hopefully it works out, or I don’t know what I’ll do!

I’ve kept meaning to write more this week, but my laptop monitor died on me the other day so I’m using my desk top.  I don’t mind at all, but this chair is just a cheap fold out and KILLS my back and neck to sit here too long.  So last night I added a info. page on the bed wedge, and pots friendly exercises.. oh and another recipe.  So by then my body was done… which is how it’s feeling now!

I see my cardiologist in less than 2 weeks, so if I don’t write before, I’ll make sure to let you all know how it went.

Take Care Guys & Gals!

Ash,

Stressful Weekend! Makes Me Sick to My Stomach!

Hope everyone had a wonderful Easter 🙂

Saturday my dad picked me up in the morning, and we chatted about the problems I’ve been having with paying my student loan since being on disability and they upped the payments.  He’s been wonderful, him and my step mom, about helping me make the payments, but I feel sick to my stomach even thinking about it, bc I HATE asking for help… ESPECIALLY money!

My nieces Jess & Caryn and their cousin Chelsea came to dad’s to have a visit before they went to their other grandparent’s for dinner.  I loved getting to see them 🙂 but forgot to take pictures of them!!!  But my step mom Lois got some, so I’ll have my dad email them to me!

Later my uncle Howard whom I’m really close with, and his wife Patti who I absolutely LOVE came over too, and my two step brothers, and we had dinner.  A nice BBQ and relaxed outside most the day in the sun all chatting and joking around, and catching up.  It was nice 🙂 and I found out Patti’s on facebook so I can bug her too hehe.

My mom and Grams (and my mom’s dog Winnie lets not forget!) Came to pick me up.  Grams was crammed in cast and all to get out of the house.  I don’t blame her!  I’d be going bananas not being able to leave much from the foot surgery.  My mom stopped on the way home to her cousin’s house and we saw some family there too and they all wrote on my grandma’s cast.

My mom picked me up Sunday morning after picking up my aunt Kelly at the train station (she lives in Toronto, I LOVE her!  She’s kick ass!!!)  My sister and grandpa came by for dinner too and we had cake for desert 🙂 I got some pictures of everyone and the pets too lol.  It was nice, because my grandpa finally got to see my grandma since her surgery (he’s in an old folk’s home)  They both had tears in their eyes when they saw each other 🙂 He had a degenerative disease so he’s lost a LOT of his memory, especially short term, so for the second half of the night, he thought my grandma was the Queen of Belleville lol bc of her foot we were waiting on her so she wouldn’t have to move around a lot lol so that’s why

"Wee bit of cake?"

we think he thought so.

After dinner, my sis came over to my place for a bit too.  She’s going to come by this weekend some time for a girls night 🙂  It will be nice, bc of my health we haven’t really gotten to hang out alone.

Today my mom came and got me after dropping aunt Kelly off at the nursing home to see Gramps, and I got all of my Social Service Worker program homework typed up and printed since I’m missing a cord for my printer lol.  Then we all

had left overs, I helped mom with the laundry, and got to visit with everyone a lot.

I had to write a life history paper, which focused on two issues through out my life, and I picked my mental and physical health.  I let my mom read it, bc she would give me an honest answer to how she thought I wrote it, and my aunt Kelly and grandma just wanted to read it.  They all know the physical struggles I have gone through, bc I am not ashamed, and trust and love them enough to know that I can trust

Grams & Gramps

them with it all, but I made grandma cry, which made me feel bad.  She and aunt Kelly just said, that even though they knew it all, they never knew it in detail, especially my struggle with depression.  I feel a release after finally finishing the paper bc I got details not just the facts out about my life, and now feel like it truly is the past, and has no hold on me now, even if I’m still fighting through it, the past is the past.

Now I’m home, and watching horrible reality tv lol.  Was thinking of doing a little bit more homework if I can.  The next assignment I have, I have some questions for my prof.  so I wasn’t going to go any further until I saw him, but now I think I may go onto the next assignment lol.

Hope you’re all doing well!  I have had some problems with low blood pressure, head aches, and really bad joint and muscle pain, which got me crying more because of being so frustrated by it.  I am feeling a little better about it now, and reading a book my step mom is letting me borrow about foods that help some of my symptoms and about vitamins as well I want to talk to my cardiologist about first.  Which I’ll do at the end of the month when I see them next 🙂

Take Care Everyone!  🙂

Ash,