Happy Monday! lol… okay I can’t actually say that and be serious!

Hey everyone!  Hope you’re all doing well and enjoying the warm, disgusting, sweaty, gross weather you all seem to like for some unGodly reason!  haha.  I’ve been hiding in my apartment with fans blasting!

People with depression will never get anywhere with recovery until they are ready to fight.  Nothing anyone says will make a difference… but they sure as hell will remember who was there and who wasn’t.  Same goes for any illness, mental or physical.

My Angel When I’m Broken

I LOVE my friends and family, and consider my friends my family.  I love them more than anything, but when I’m depressed (truly going through a relapse depressed) I fall away from everyone.   Not at all bc I don’t care about them, but bc I worry that I am an inconvenience more than someone who is actually very loved.  I waste away like a piece of trash, feeling dead inside.  It’s the scariest thing I’ve ever dealt with.  I am on proper meds now, and I fought like a bitch to get to where I am today.  I get scared sometimes that it will come back and bite me in the ass, and try as much as I can to ward off triggers, which I think is the best thing I can do in certain situations.  Sometimes though, the world just sucks.  And not in normal suckage everyday stress, which after what I’ve been through is easy to deal with, but when the world feels like it’s trying to shut you out, and all I want to do is fall asleep and never wake up… it scares me.

Today yet again, starting yesterday, but blew up today, I felt so … sad.  I was sick to my stomach from it, and nothing I did was helping like usual.  When you suffer with physical illnesses as well, it’s not easy to keep yourself busy.  I was holding tough until my mom called and all we were doing was having normal chit chat, and I lost myself all over again.  I was bawling and my whole body was shaking that I sent my heart and blood pressure soaring.  I did the only thing I could to keep myself safe… I went to bed.  Whenever I am going through this, all I want is someone I love to come save me… simply sit with me and be with me, not even having to say a word, but it never happens, which it heart breaking.

Tonight I woke up from Zeus’ screeching and I felt well enough to get up and sit in the living room, and within 5 minutes of being awake… my mom pulled in the driveway.  Little things like that, is EVERYthing I need, and it made my day.  I still feel nausea almost constantly and am stressing bc I have $4 in my account and I need everything.  I still have another week to go before I get money for food, and the only thing that staves off the nausea is gingerale.. which I’ve run out of too, so I think all of these things, as well as the weather which makes me sicker than any other time of year, definitely hasn’t helped in triggering my depression.  Suicide is the scariest place a person can go, and I REFUSE to go there again.  With all the physical ailments I’ve had, suicide beats them all ten fold.  I am not suicidal, but when having a set back, it’s hard not to worry that it may come to that place again, bc you never really know until it comes down to it.

I’m so happy my mom came to check up on me.  All I needed was her on my couch being there for me without doing anything or saying anything.  Just little things like that, show I am cared for and loved.  That someone else was wanting to know I was okay.

After she left, my neighbors set off fireworks a couple blocks away, and I watched them from my living room.  I love fireworks.  I used to be so scared of them as a little kid and would sit in my grandparent’s house and hide until they were over with LOL.  I was always terrified I’d be hit by one of them.. and the year I forced myself to go out and enjoy them… my poor cousin Dustin who had a broken arm at the time, got smacked with a piece off the firework right on his cast!!! LOL.  But now I love to sit out and watch them… with major anxiety but still fun lol.  I’m not too worried, since Dustin is the same cousin who has only gone out once during a thunder storm bc he’s scared of them, but he had to bring something inside, and in the short amount of time he was out there, he got hit by lightening!!!  So I think he just has the bad luck gene when it comes to weird things like lightening and fireworks lol.  Mind you I’m a complete wimp when it comes to being stuck outside in a storm.  I turn into a complete psycho bitch until I can get indoors LOL.

Alright, just wanted to rant… and for some reason blab on about nothing as well hehe.  Hope you all had a great long weekend 🙂  And will update soon!… I hope! 🙂

Ash,

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