My Grams took me in this morning to my first physical therapy class. I was a bit nervous, but still really excited to go…
My mind is jumbled by a million thoughts and worries now. I just got off the phone telling my dad how sick it made me, and he answered by how great that was! I hate when his life gets in the way of our relationship, and makes me wonder why even bother trying to keep him up in every thing going on in my life.
A close friend of the family died a couple weeks ago or so. I am annoyed that I wasn’t well enough to make it to the wake or the funeral bc I didn’t want his wife to think that I didn’t care, bc he meant the world to me. I was given a nice little guilt trip for not making it there bc if he doesn’t know what I’m going through… or even try to comprehend it, he won’t understand why I can’t just buck it up and go EVERY time something comes up. I was bed ridden those days and the days before and after… but he wouldn’t know that. Sorry… family drama.
Anyway, I am in a class with 10 other people… all older than me, none of which have POTS. We have to do a mandatory warm up and cool down before we’re allowed to leave. All of which involves standing. All of which makes the room spin and me nausea on a whole other level I’ve ever experienced outside of the flu.
The exercising itself is DAMN HARD but my stubborn ass can do that bc they have me on things that involve sitting… on a recumbent bike and some other weird thing that’s almost like an elliptical/ stair stepper in recumbent bike form LOL… I know that makes no sense, but that’s what it’s like! Very weird to get used to, and tiring as hell, but doable!
I told them I couldn’t do the standing, and they just kept saying try… so I did the whole damn thing and was so sick because of it. Then we had to get our blood pressure, heart rate, etc. checked so more standing. I honestly called my mom when I got home and just bawled bc I was so upset.
I know it sounds silly and I don’t normally get emotional like this, but I LOVE to exercise, and I’m NOT lazy, and I don’t want anyone thinking anything differently of me, especially people who are involved in me getting help to get better. They’re all very sweet, but know jack shit about POTS. Fine, today I pushed myself above and beyond past my limit and I can handle it, but this can’t keep happening like this! They said I would never feel as badly as I did on the treadmill during my stress test as an intake for this cardiac / physical rehabilitation course, and I’m sorry, but that’s bull shit! So far everything they have had me do has been harder and more physically draining on me than that damn stress test. It was a piece of cake compared to the rest.
Now they have me set up to go see a dietitian… bc I love those as you all remember LOL, and even though I’ve lost 20 lbs through changing my diet, I am still 2 inches over weight… yeah I could have told them that… they think I’m eating like shit, when in reality I eat really healthy meals and snacks, but unfortunately due to POTS, I can’t stand up for very long to make 3 meals a day, which means my body is in starvation mode, and storing whatever it does get, bc it doesn’t know when its going to get food and nutrients next.
What am I to do about that??? I live on my own, I have no family I can live with for help, the ones near by try but can’t every day of the week, my dad… pfft not even going there, I have a PSW who helps with that as much as she can, but when I don’t make enough to buy a bunch of stuff to go into casseroles etc. every single week, there’s only so much my PSW can make with to have left overs. I only see her 2 days a week, Wed. and Fri. so by Monday, I have nothing to eat for dinner 😦 I’m lucky to be well enough to make myself soup out of a can… and yet with the doctors, physio therapist, etc. knowing this… they expect me to push myself to walk 30 minutes a day, and do at least 3 crazy sessions a week of what they did with me today.
I’m upset bc I feel like I’m not getting through to them. They are super sweet, but it’s not registering as anything than a lazy chubby girl trying to make excuses. Before this happened I was 40lbs lighters, I worked out at the gym for 3 hours a day… bc I LIKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It wasn’t a forced thing! To me it’s like telling me the day I was admitted to the hospital for Crohn’s Disease, to get up and work out for a half an hour at least daily. Doesn’t make sense does it??? I feel worse than I did then, and I am in no way on the way to recovery! I am on a medication that doesn’t work! Beta Blockers do NOT fix everything with POTS! I want to puke and cry lol. I’m so mad and upset and frustrated, and I don’t know what to do. Some people keep pushing me, and it’s too much! They don’t understand how POTS is affecting my body as a whole, and I don’t want to quit and make those people think I’m not doing every thing in my power to get better.
I’m going to call my cardiologist that works closely with the rehabilitation therapists and see what he has to say. I hope I can get an answer from him before my class on Thursday.
Yesterday on a great note, I got a surprise call from Carlie. She is the friend I mentioned I hadn’t seen since college when she moved home. My roommate and I thought of her like a little sister, and her and her fiance moved near by me. (We were both in dorms together in Oshawa) and they had a baby boy, Wyatte who I’ve been dieing to see! She called me a few blocks away from my place and asked if they could stop by! Finally! hehe. So I got to meet the little handsome man, who is so sweet and adorable, and so well behaved and easy going, he even let me carry him down to my apartment when they got to the building! He was a right ham, and automatically, and not just bc he’s my little sister’s baby, but also bc he’s just amazing, love him entirely. SO CUTE! Totally made my month 🙂 haha.
I was reading, “My Name is Memory” by Ann Brashares… omg ladies please be smart and pick up this book. I promise you, you will love it. It has become one of my all time fave.s and that doesn’t come easily. It’s more of a chick book, but so great.
Now I’m reading L A Candy by Lauren Conrad of The Hills… I’m only on page 50 or so but I almost want to laugh at how… how should I put this…. how dumb blond it is! I love The Hills as dumb of a show as it was, and I’ve been wanting to read this book despite my personality making no sense for me to want to…. but I’m super bummed about how sad it is so far. And not sad in a good way lol. I’m going to fight my way more into it bc I did really want to read it… but my god this is just not right LOL.
Okay, speaking of questionable television, I’m going to go watch Ghost Hunters LOL. I do LOVE this show though 🙂 Then Monster Quest, to follow. Sorry this has been such a downing entry, but this is a place with people who know me through and through, and or no what it’s like to deal with POTS and how much people have a hard time understanding it. It helps make me feel more sane to get all my worries and stresses as well as the great things that happen in my life, out in the open!
Will write more after I’ve decided my next step.
PS Will be online again tomorrow. I’m too mushy brained right now to be sociable tonight. xoxoxo
PPS Make sure to check out the Hyper POTS website in the side bar!!! Brought from the facebook group by Kimberly… aka Cookie hehe. LOVE the site. Lots of information to find! Answers a LOT of questions.