Horribly Gut Renching

 

this picture cracks me up every time I see it! lol

I’ve been really stressed for a LONG time, and have done nothing about it.  I am a strong believer that if you can’t say something to someone’s face, don’t say it at all!  In wrong doings I think before you get someone in trouble you should talk to the person first and see if things can be fixed bc it could easily be a misunderstanding.  I’ve gone against those feelings today and I know I had every right too for my own well being, but I hate that I hurt someone in the process.

I’ve been having mini issues with my PSW since about the beginning, but since I’m horrible for sticking up for myself, I couldn’t bring myself to do anything about it.  If someone is outrightly rude to me, I have no problem saying something, but I really don’t think my PSW was doing it to be mean or nasty in any way.

When I was at my most sick, I couldn’t do things like dishes, cooking, vacuuming, dusting, etc.  When I would have her do it, she’d be in such a rush, she’d leave food all over the dishes and glasses always full of soap, or just a quick run of the vacuum in one room, or dusting around things on my shelves instead of moving them and giving it a good dusting.  Now don’t get me wrong… I know we have all done this to save time, but when that’s the way it’s done every time, and me being too sick to fix it myself, or passing out trying to, it seemed really annoying and pointless having someone come, as my place was piling up with dirt bc it was never done properly.  She also had a constant habit of leaving the stove on when she left, and putting the litter box in backwards, so if I was sick and didn’t notice, my cat would go over 12 hours at a time without anywhere to go to the washroom… he has digestive issues and almost died in the past from them, so it’s not something I take lightly.  Or leaving food out so that when I’d be too sick to be in the kitchen to notice it was out, the food would have gone bad by the time I noticed.  The one thing that really bothered me was bumming cigarettes.  I have no problem giving someone them, and am happy to if I feel they’d be someone who would do the same, even if I never asked.  She isn’t a smoker except when she drinks… or came to my place which was twice a week.  When someone only smoked socially they don’t usually buy them, bc they don’t want get in the habit and get addicted again.  I understand that, but in order for them to smoke then, they must constantly bum them off someone… that person being me.  And it was happening just about every time she’d come here.  I am on disability.. I can barely afford my own horrible habit, let alone hers too!   I’ve been feeling very used.

So what happened to bring me to say something to her boss, was the lady had called last week about doing a yearly satisfaction survey type of thing.  I thought, if I’m going to stand up for my self, now is the time to do it.  I was really stressed and very scared to, and ended up talking to my social service worker about it.  Up until then, I hadn’t even mentioned it to her, and that kind of made me realize something was up, bc I tell her everything good and bad.  I talked again to my sis about it as well, bc she has the same mind frame as me when it comes to having a hard time saying something bad about someone who is deep down not an outright bad person.

So I put it off yesterday, and knew since I normally see my psw on Wednesdays, that I had to do it today.  I talked to her boss and forgot to mention the litter box and food going bad, and leaving the stove on, but the moment I mentioned the smoking, she was not impressed at all.  I just hope to hell she doesn’t lose her job for it.  I will be getting a new psw soon, and won’t see the one I had ever again.  I know it will come to a huge shock to her probably and I know she will cry bc she is emotional like that.  She is very caring and sweet, but I can’t let everything go that was hurting me just bc she’s a nice person!

On the illness front, I haven’t been sleeping the last couple nights, my stomachs in knots from stress, and my pots is fighting me with every step or crawl I take.  The nausea is ridiculous and driving me bonkers.  It got so bad, I had to go lay on my bed bc I thought I possibly had the flu and was going to yack at any moment!  Normally the nausea sucks, but I can tell the difference between it, and having actually caught anything.  The second I get nausea, then the room spins and spins and makes the nausea even worse.

On a good note, my dad and Lois did end up coming and they really liked the place.  I let my step mom borrow a cool book about health tips, etc. for gaining energy.  She’s all into that stuff too lol.

Anyway, the stress was getting to be a bit much, so I had to get it out here before I ralphed from it lol.  Sorry for all the negativity!

Take Care!

Ash,

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