My Love

I have been having a rough go.

I almost lost my dearest Zeus.

Out of no where every time he purred, it sounded like he was congested.  All of a sudden he was getting so exhausted doing the simplest things, that he would need to lay down.  So off to the vet he went.

I would have swore he had congestive heart failure, but nope!  My big boy had Diabetes!  And an infection in his bladder which he is getting antibiotics for.  When I heard the word Diabetes I just started crying.  He will be 15 in less than a couple of months!  I just couldn’t wrap my head around him not being here.

I literally would wake up and start crying right away.  When his brother Bizkit was put down six years ago, a piece of my heart was torn away from me.  I had aided in putting animals down at the clinic I worked at, but it’s nothing compared to when it is a pet you’ve loved yourself.  I was lucky then, because I still had Zeus.

I thought I never wanted to go through that pain I felt ever again, and it is not for a lack of love, but six years more with Zeus, and him being the only pet running around besides the girls (guinea pigs) it was a whole other heart break, that I didn’t think possible to feel.

I got a hold of someone who was able to fully explain that his glucose had to be between 3-8, and Zeus was 17.2!!!  So they got him on the diabetic food WD, and on an antibiotic for the infection, and by the next morning it was down to 16.  Not enough obviously, but enough for that short amount of time, for him to come home to me!

OBVIOUSLY I wanted nothing more than to bring my baby home, and I literally threw my silverware at the drawer when she said I could (was putting away clean dishes)  But I literally felt like a part of my depression cracked.  No other word for it.  I had felt kind of strung along a bit, not knowing what was going on exactly, with his chances for making it, etc. so I had basically been waiting for the call to come in and put him down.  My emotions had been on such a roller coaster that I literally felt like I cracked.

I am still be effected by it all.  I have dealt with a lot during the time my depression had fully reared it’s ugly head, but this was the first time I thought I was going to have a rough go coming back from this.  I took my first Lorazepam in a couple of years!  And I boy did I need it.  I felt fucked bc of it.  I still do.  Like I can’t get my head back to the proper stable way of thinking.

I had been sicker than a dog, with what I assume was the flu.  My heart rate and blood pressure were all messed up as though my beta blocker quit working.  So off the doctors I went, bc I couldn’t get my body to feel better.  So she ordered some tests, the first of which are fine.  Will see what the EKG says.

Unfortunately, my sister has lost her dear Loki (orange and white cat above)  He was only about two years old, and we still don’t know what caused it.  She woke up this morning to find him passed away on the floor.  Mom had seen him during the night too, and went over and gave him a pet too.  I feel so bad for them.  I know Amanda is heart broken with his passing.

Will write soon!