Let Yourself Be Open & Life Will Be Easier


I think unless you are Buddha, you’re going to have walls up. Defenses so deep, we don’t even know we have.  I always say fighting my depression, was way worse than any physical crap I’ve had to undergo, bc it’s all encompassing.  The brain, and how it buries memories, suppresses them, builds up walls we don’t intentionally mean to have, is absolutely fascinating to me!

In college in Psychlogy, you learn just how far others will go to fit in amongst the crowd, or do things you wouldn’t feel comfortable doing bc of morals, simply bc a person in an authority stance, told you to.

There was this one video we watched.  Everyone was an actor except, the one in the room w the person running the study.  In one room, a person was attached to wires, which was then controlled in another room by the subject and the experimenter.  The person running this, would tell the man to press the button to shock the person in the other room. As each time they did it, the shock would be stronger, and they would hear he person in the other room yell out in pain.  Unbeknownst to the person doing the shocking, it was all a test to see how far someone would go against their better judgement, purely bc a person in authority told them to.  If I recall correctly, out of every one that did the shocking, only one quit and said no.  Only one.

We’ve all done it.  Most likely not to that extreme… but doesn’t this just prove how… pathetic we all are?  That the majority of us claim to not care what people think of us, yet when about to go in public, quickly check our hair, etc.

We build these walls to protect ourselves, and then end up missing out on amazing life opportunities. We could be living life to the fullest, actually fulfilling our dreams… but instead we focus on the ones that we are least afraid of.  Mastering our skills, losing weight, getting a specific job.  These are all commendable things to aspire to, and I am as well doing the same, but what about working on breaking down barriers, getting rid of baggage that shields our hearts from fully loving and trusting one another?  How about the inside stuff, that hurts, that make us too scared to take a leap of faith?  To do something absolutely crazy and inspiring?

I’m scared of lots of things. I’m afraid I won’t be good enough, or be respected when even I know I love who I am, and am passionate about my wants for the future.  Not dreams… but things that will be a reality for me.  I freak out, step back a few paces.  The difference is, I’m not going to sit on the side lines too afraid bc so and so bullied me, or cheated on me, or bc I got sick.

Im going to get scared, step back a few paces, and then run head first and jump in with all my heart.

Now who’s really going to jump with me?

Ash,

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Stop Choosing to Stay Asleep

About a year ago, I found this beautiful audio clip that I’ve saved since hearing it.  I totally forgot I had it, until tonight when I was deleting old files off my tablet. 

I think it’s one of those things, that if you’re willing to sit still for a whole 5 minutes and just listen, it could be what one of you need to hear now.  

At the time, I had been meditating for a while, and had been actually quite happy, but I had been over working myself in admin and reads.  I really didn’t want to do a meditation, and that’s when I came across this, looking for a quick morning, get it over with kind of one.  

I was doing the motions, but realised so much more I needed to do to feel fulfilled and happy, and this clip gave me the boost I needed to wake up, see things for what they really were, and actually make some changes, I didn’t know were right there in front of me the whole time.

I got to talk to a friend last night over Skype for over 4 hours.  About life, and our beliefs… And as eccentric as they are, oddly are pretty well the same lol.  I love talking about dreams for the future, and what’s fascinating to myself now and whoever I am talking to in the moment. Even got some crazy insight which I trust, but find it hard to grasp… the girl knows her stuff.  Most of all, I’m just glad she’s such a great friend, and don’t know what I’d do without her crazy ass!  She’s one of a couple people who has the predator mentality too and is just really good at masking it lmao.   I am even more pumped to see what my DNA results show for my ancestors and where my near future is going to take me.  A lot of huge, but necessary changes, which I think are just going to make me even happier!

Since I use this page primarily to share things I love and that have helped me, and how we are never alone, even when we feel like we are, I thought I’d share this with you guys and gals.  If you’re ballsy enough to listen, let me know if it made any impact for you, like it did for me so long ago. 
Have a great New Years! 

Ash, 

PS The full 12 minute audio, can be found under the title, “Letting Go”  on the Insight Timer app 

And bc these are a little different swing from your regular horoscope / astrological readings – Can be found as the Planetary Times app:

Mars Trine Natal Moon

This time of year is kind of a blur for me.  I had a lot of pivotal losses happen all at once, leaving me so mind bent to know what to focus on grieving first.  That was a while ago, and have since come to terms, and seen the positive sides to each of these losses.  Ive even had losses occur since around winter and still enjoy myself, bc the holidays mean everyone I love putting aside any bullshit, and putting on a happy face.  Or so we think that’s what we are doing anyway lol.

During Mercury in retrograde,  everyone was freaking out and wanting it to end, so we could go to the next phase.  I was even doing it!  Thinking back with a forgetful, forgiving perspective,  it doesn’t seem like anything terrible happened… I can only remember the good. (minus the week I got my reiki atunement and bawled for 4 hours straight over nothing, resulting in my last entry!  And no… no bawling for this one… Not yet anyway) 

Now that, that’s over, we are all waiting for this next year to start for things to begin.  Why am I doing this?  I’m already in work mode to get my dreams accomplished.  What difference is the change on a calendar year going to matter to me, except that I’ll have accomplished more by that time… bc that’s what happens with time, when you’re not squandering it away.

I am excited though.  I am so anti, “This year will be better than the last!” , bullshit, but you know what?  It kinda feels like something is different.  I rushed around like a mad raging bitch today for no reason, except to feel I needed to trash  my entire apartment, which isn’t me.  I’m so laid back… Too much so sometimes.  

Living in this moment is kind of my want, so I’m not forever waiting for whatever it is I want from all areas of life to happen.  The ending line just keeps getting pushed further ahead in time, making me a perpetual dreamer.  

Despite all this trying to live in the now space of what feels like my emotional messed up brain lately, I keep getting told the next 4-10 months there are huge, life changing things going to happen.  From my own readings, to others from whom I greatly respect.  And I don’t believe in things being set in stone, or 100%, so I bust my ass to make sure that my opportunities for successful moments, have a fighting chance to happen.  But what exactly???  

I already have a pretty good understanding of everything that’s to happen… which as possible as it could be. Is still far fetched.  I’m human.. how can all these great things happen so quickly?  I’m kinda waiting for the other shoe to drop.  

So in line with my stubborn, take no bullshit kind of mood I am in… which has mostly gone back to my silly, totally inappropriate self, I have to despite not believing in the devil, sign off, with two of my favorite Irish sayings, that my gramps and grams had hanging in their house…

“Be the kind of woman, that when you wake, and your feet hit the floor, even the devil says, “Oh shit, she’s up!”

And my fave…

“May ye be in heaven, a half hour before the devil knows your dead.”

Best part is… I’m not going to either!  Til next time assholes! À bientòt…

Ash, 

Un buon, vecchio, cagna off

I read something over almost two decades ago, that said every person on Earth, has one really shitty area of their life, they constantly have a struggle with.  Makes sense, bc what’s the point to living if it’s always easy?  How would we ever learn.

I’m rather lucky myself.  I’ve never been abused in ANY capacity, I have good parents, and am proud to say I am a daddy’s & mommy’s girl.  I have great siblings, and nieces, nephews, and even great nephews who are beyond perfect in my eyes.  And yes, I can say that bc I’m an aunt, AND bc it’s true dammit!!  Lol…

I have a great home, two pets, nice things, I get to follow my hobbies, etc.  I have in my opinion the world’s best of friends.  Not my friends… but my TRUE friends, that are my family.  You know I adore you, and I am genuinely lucky and appreciative of them in my life.

I got sick 15 yrs ago in November, with Crohn’s Disease.  That’s cool.  I was considered a miracle, bc in a week’s time, I went from not being able to suck on a popsicle, to being out of the hospital, moving furniture around the living room.  When I advocated for the disease, I did it for my sister who is disabled by it.

Then I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia  and I kicked it’s ass, bc I was in such good shape.  And then it happened.. I started fainting, I started feeling like my body was snapping off in pieces, like I had the flu 24/7.  I got diagnosed with Dysautonomia. 

The plan I had mapped out, the life I wanted to live… was all ripped out from under my feet.  Not to mention fighting depression, and trying last just one more day without offing  myself.  

I fought like a bitch to get where I’m at today.  I’m in a horrid amount of pain, I gained a ton of weight from not being able to lift my head up without passing out, I had to have a personal support worker help me clean my own home.  I had to quit work, and I found out exactly who my true friends are, and realised that majority only liked me if I was plastered from a 60 of vodka.

But I beat the fucker, and found my right depression meds, I got to move on my own and live independently, I got to give Dysautonomia the middle finger this year as well.  

I have a crazy long way to go before I’m well.  I never expected to look at life as a beautiful thing, and actually feel and hear my old, dumbass, giggly self that I missed so much, that I thought was burried 6 feet under, just  waiting for the rest of me to join it.  I never thought I’d grow to be this person I am really fucking proud of to be!  

I look back even a year ago, and think where things could have been terrifyingly worse, they sure were a fucking bitch to get through.  I’d think of what I heard way, way back, and tried to come to terms that ALL parts of my life were always going to be a struggle for me.  I was sick, couldn’t work, lost a bunch of ppl (who I know now were never a loss), couldn’t take care of myself, let alone even go on a date.. and just felt so behind. 

I’m still sicker than a dog most days, and am ecstatic when I can wash my hair and cook myself meals in the same day without falling on the floor out of weakness, I have no money ever, bc I live below the poverty line, thanks to good old government disability, I have a guy who takes me out once a week to help me get groceries, bc heaven forbid I face plant it waiting for the bus (oh good old memories of waking up in places I forgot how I got to), but you know what I have now that I never had before?  Hope.  

Hope I’ll even get to have a FULL TIME career helping animals,that maybe I can have one day sometime where I don’t feel like I’m going to drop at any second,  hope that as far behind as I am, that I might actually get caught up.  I’m fighting like a bitch still to even have some semblance of normalcy for even 5 minutes… but 5 minutes is better than none, right? 

I have my moments where I isolate myself, bc I feel sooo sick, which effects my sadness from time to time  I don’t want to be a bother to anyone, By I also know I am, not a risk like I was 10 years ago.  I seem like I don’t care, but I truly just feel alone and don’t want to bother anyone.  And in no time, I am back to being my usual Jack ass self.  But until that comes, I may not seem like I give a shit, or that I’m bitchy.  Really I just feel a little lost and alone in the world. 

And for those of you who push through my barriers when I’m like this, thank you.  YOU are my heart, and I carry you there when I’m sad.  I’ll be back soon.  I promise. 

Ash, 

Finally a Catch Up


So anyone who take copious amounts of meds know the fun of getting tested for all the fucked up shit the meds cause.  Considering my meds cause cancer and lots of other horrid things, I can at least be thankful win 23 + meds, that all I have to deal with is being anemic.  I’m annoyed though, bc I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing, and it never ends!

I got a second tilt table test done and no longer have POTS.  I still have a long time of rehabilitation for being sick for so long, but I have always just needed hope.  Thankfully I’ll have been over 3 months since I last fainted…. which means I’ll get to go for my license again!   Woohoo! 

I hear from people who don’t even believe in astrology, that this Mercury in retrograde is messing them right up.  I kept thinking how I must be the only person not going through it… I think I was in some serious denial, lol.

One minute I’m so elated I feel like I’m floating, and then the next I’m bawling at the dumbest things, that have nothing to do with me.  I don’t let other ppls shit effect me.  I can’t or I’d go crazy.  Well I was doing pretty good by getting passed it by taking my mind off it, and then I went to the infusion clinic Wednesday and bam I’m fighting off not snapping at people and trying to get myself out of this zombie mode.  That and randomy falling asleep while doing things…like just now w this entry.

Anyway, Xmas shopping is done.  No tree bc I know my pet too well lol.  Excited to see my nieces, nephews and ### m3m3m,,ok ùù kùùuuùí&USED. See?  Lol night everyone.ķm

Tsmw  I  

Ash,

New Page

e99e9170fc8506f8c016720452656127--quotes-love-funny-quotes-motivationI’m always chatting with close friends about my favorite products, people, etc. and have been wanting to do this for a while on here, but never got around to it.  I love when you find those posts about people’s favorites.  I am so much more likely to try a particular product, check out a certain show, if a realistic, every day person like me, recommends it.  So I want to do just that.

I’ve had this blog for YEARS now, and the focus has been primarily on spreading awareness and helping people newly diagnosed with the illnesses I have personally have been diagnosed with.  I LOVE doing that, and if I can help just one person find something that helps them better manage or better understand what they are going through, then I know it has all been worth it.

I also talk about every day shit, and the crafts, projects I am currently working on.  I like sharing that with you guys, bc I figure if you’re reading this, then like me, it maybe something you’d be interested in learning more about to.  Broaden our horizons so to speak.

My blog’s not sponsored in any way.  If It was, I sure as Hell would write a lot more often lol.  And I don’t just add something to the links just bc someone asks me to.  I have to have gotten something from it myself.  I’m sharing it bc I genuinely give a shit and want people to know that.

So the lists of my favorite types of whatevers, will be varied and random.  I’ll post them here, and then as well in the, “My Faves” page for later reference for people to check out.  If you want something of yours shared, let me know!  I can’t promise I will share it.  But when I see it, and I will look, and I think it’s something that’s truly moving, interesting, entertaining, etc. then I would be honored to share your site, page, whatever.

Just wanted to give a quick hello since it’s been forever, and warn you of the mass posting about to being lol.  Wishing you all the best, and will do a catch up post (hopefully) soon, to let you all know how my second Tilt Table Test went, and the fascinating results from it, and what all I have been up to!..

Take Care!

Ash,