Swirl 3

My depression started showing slowly in public school, and came back with avengence when I was 18.

My sister was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease, and it was Christmas time. One night at the table, after visiting Amanda at the hospital, I finally opened up to my parents about how unhappy I had been.

We didn’t know about free agencies that gave mental health counselling, so my dad asked if we could wait until Amanda was out of the hospital, and then he would pay for me to see someone.

That January when she was home and stabalizing, my dad thought buying my way out of depression would work lol. So off my mom and I went, and I got my guinea pig Rodney.

I knew full well what was happening, but I wasn’t going to say no to a new pet either. So I brought him up to my parent’s room, where I was watching tv, and just sat with him and cried for hours.

The next year of my life, I moved out with Amanda, and went through so many firsts. It was a crazy, but amazing year, yet forever life changing. It would help me become the stubborn person I am today, and stop being so damn shy. That was the year that made me change from the hidden, scared, letting people take care of me girl, to an independant adult, that would soon realize, I could only count on myself. But that is to be saved for the next swirl.

Take care

Ash,

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Swirl 2

Yeah this is rather boring. Even for me lol. Public school was good. 25 kids in the entire school. I was the only grade 2, and there was only 1 in kindergarten. When I hit grade 3, we our school closed, and I was moved to a regular sized school until graduating in grade 8.

I had some great teachers, and some real nasty bitches. Everyone hated the French teacher. She had this stupid hand puppet she used, and found out years later, a friend’s little sister stole it, and set it on fire, while hanging off the antenna of her car. Pretty funny actually.

I was a Nirvana and jeans wearing kid and omg did I get bullied terribly! Nothing like today’s bullying thankfully. There was like one or two people in the school who had internet, so that wasn’t an issue. I was very badly verbally bullied. I let myself get walked over all the time.

It’s weird when I see kids conforming to what their bullies are like, because I always figured if they didn’t like me for me, why would they ever want to be friends w a fake version of myself? Sadly this worked for a lot of kids. I just continued to hang with my friends and wear my music tees.

I had such bad issues for years after, but I honestly hold no hate for them for jt. I do think the one is a cunt, but that’s because she hit on my sister’s boyfriend right in front of her, but karma got her a lot worse later on. And now, what those people think of me now, has no bearing on me, even if they were still the same way, which I doubt majority of them are. They were doing a natural kid behavior that yes. Was shitty, but that was saying more about who they were. Not me.

By highschool, I was a bitter ass bitch who trusted no one’s intentions and spent most of my grade 9 year high on pcp and e. More came later, but that was my bad year. Grade 10 came around, and I just stopped and started being more myself. I enjoyed school after that. And I still wore my music tees fyi lol.

Ash,

Swirl 1

My first memory was sitting in the grass at the side of a little cottage style house we lived in, in a small village. Id play with nest of gardner snakes, while my mom got laundry off the line.

My memories are very scattered until I was about six. I recall other kids being baby sat at the house, being in the basement with my grandpa holding me. I know my mom tripped up the two steps going into the room my sister and I shared and breaking her foot. I used to always fall out of bed, so my parents pushed the cardboard fridge and stove up against it to keep me in it. The cat Tiggernwe had, and the day we got Barney, our family dog. He was sitting on the floor in the kitchen, and cat watching him from atop the garbage can. I remember my fourth birthday c we went to McDonalds, and I flipped when they tried to give me a tour of the back kitchen area. I also remember hiding behind a chair during th3 Wizard of Oz when the witch was talking to Dorothy through the crystal ball. My mom thought I loved it, so she always played it. In fact it terrified me lol.

I also remember moving to our second house up on a back road away from the village a couple kilometers away. I had nightmares about the hous3 catching on fire, which would be a reoccurring dream for me, until we moved just before turning 15.

Anything bad during that time was minimal and forgotten about pretty early on.

Tomorrow ill start w the prolems that took place there.

Ash,

For now, i end w a couple of photos I’ve been wanting to share.

Ash,

Spiral Walls

27394605_10157531482634815_1576906181_nI am doing something that’s not easy for me.  I truly believe in my heart that I do need to break down my walls to go forward in my life.  How do I do this knowing full well I’m willing to take the leap, but I don’t know where to actually jump.

So I’m going to start as far back as I can possibly remember.  I thought writing this shit out would help, but it’s not enough, because I can write fine, it’s sharing it that is my struggle.  It’s not like my life is hard, but no one has ever tried to actually ask questions about who I am and how I’m this person.

Most people would rather talk about themselves, and I’ve always been a good listener, and people open up easily to me, but then they’re comfortable and feel like everything is great.  It’s not when it’s a one sided relationship.  In 35 years I can think of two people who have actually asked me about the me on the inside.  Who were ballsy enough to dig into my past and figure it out.

I’ve had MANY different people read me, in different ways, and there has been one or two friends who’ve read me who came semi close, but never really got there either.  It’s not like I’m not willing to, I’ve just never been asked.  I’m very fine with sharing my heart, but it has yet to be asked for.

Thank YOU Sara for being the second one to actually care to ask.

So starting my next entry, health permitting tomorrow, I will be starting my journey of just getting it out there for the world to see and read it and interpret it in any way they want. I honestly don’t care about anything more than getting myself out of my own way.  I’m not a determined person, only to have my own issues be the things to stop me.

Cheers.

Ash,

 

Ppfftt

“I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell.  I know, right now you can’t tell, but stay a while and baby then you’ll see, a different side of me.”

paukks

My biggest character trait I love about myself, is also the one thing I detest in myself.  I’m stubborn!  It works so well for me, bc it gives me the drive to keep at things I want, and it is a big part of my passion, but it’s detrimental to me, bc I use it against people who I care about as a way to not let them be there for me.

A big part of this, is I simply don’t know what to ask for.  What do I need?  I know I have wonderful people in my life, but what do I need to ask of them?  I’m so used to just doing it myself, I honestly have very few situations, where I realize help is needed, let alone worth asking for.  Not downing it, I just don’t see things that way.

You either sit on your ass and do nothing, or you run yourself ragged trying to do it all and then some.  I tend to do too much.  I want to do what I can for people I care about, but don’t know when to just keep my mouth shut.  There’s a lot of need in the world.  I still find it weird, when I’m offered help at times, bc I yet again, don’t know where to delegate them.

I feel like I’m floating in a cloud of delirious glee.  Like I’ve jumped off the end of a cliff, and I don’t honestly give a shit where I land, bc I’m happily enjoying the way down.

I am so busy right now it’s nuts.  I have a page long of places I need to call, and 4 email inboxes full of people waiting for my reply, a whack load of things I should be doing around my house, and yet for once, I am complacent to just enjoy myself, instead of depending on other peoples needs to be met first.  I even did my hair dammit!

I may sound like a transvestite from this cold thing I have, but damn life is pretty awesome.

Ash,

“All day – staring at the ceiling, making friends with shadows on the wall.”

Here’s to the Night

So denied
So I lied
Are you the now or never kind
In a day
And a day love
I’m gonna be gone for good again
Are you willing
To be had
Are you cool
With just tonight

Here’s a toast
To all those who hear me all too well

And here’s to the nights
We felt alive
Here’s to the tears
You knew you’d cry
Here’s to goodbye
Tomorrow’s gonna come too soon

Put your name
On the line
Along with place and time
Want to stay
Not to go
I want to ditch the logical

Here’s a toast
To all those who hear me all too well

Here’s to the nights
We felt alive
Here’s to the tears
You knew you’d cry
Here’s to goodbye
Tomorrow’s gonna come too soon

All my time is frozen motion
Can’t I stay an hour or two or more
Don’t let me let you go
Don’t let me let you go

Here’s a toast
To all those who hear me all too well

And here’s to the nights
We felt alive
Here’s to the tears
You knew you’d cry
Here’s to goodbye
Tomorrow’s gonna come too soon
Too soon
Here’s to the nights we felt alive
Here’s to the tears you knew you’d cry
Here’s to goodbye
Tomorrow’s gonna come too soon

15592497_10155926441229815_491788822_n

Great 90’s music!  Enjoy it while it lasts, bc it’s not worth having if can’t you see that in the moment.  Cheers!

Ash,

Busy Being 


I’ve been in this crazy mode for research these last few days.  All I want to do is look up stuff non stop and learn everything I can on the subjects that I love.  

I’ve had some amazing insight lately from friends.  And I finally feel like I know what I need to do to keep my head on straight without losing my shit.  I’d been so stressed about where I was headed, that I already forgot to just enjoy the moments as they happen.

So much had been on my mind, I couldn’t figure out what I needed to do first.  If you like getting tarot card intuitive type reads, go check out the page for my favorite things.  I recommend them  all that I listed, but Odin Paranormal went to bat and really helped me figure all this shit I had been going through out.  Right now, any proceeds he makes is going to help with expenses from a relative who passed away, so the money goes to help the family out.  The link to contact him is in the favorites page above.

Christmas was decent.  My aunt from Toronto was down, and got to see all the kiddos and get new pictures of my great nephews and see family friends I don’t see as much any more. 

I’ve been thinking the last almost 6 months of needing a change of scene.  I need to build myself back up physically more before I take the plunge, but I’m considering moving.  I have no idea where, but when I find it, I’m gone asap.  

I’ve never stayed in one place long, and I feel like I keep searching for my home.  I love where I live, but it’s never been a permanent place to me, and I’ve been here 7 yrs!  Longest I have lived anywhere since I was a kid.  Health has to come first though, since none of it can happen otherwise.  I want to find somewhere that seems right.  Home may be where the heart is, but it’s not settled for me to be yet I guess!  It’s one of those, I’ll know when I find it.  All I know for now, is it will be in North America.  And most likely won’t be Ontario.  

Before I got crohn’s, l was terrified of so many things I wanted to do.  When I left the hospital. I decided no more and started living life on my terms regardless how scared I was, or what others thought.  First thing I did was get my tongue and belly button pierced.  Tongue ring sadly went after a decade bc of long term damage it would do to my teeth, but I don’t hold back.

If you’re scared to do something you know you want, just do it!  You don’t want to live a life of regrets or what ifs.  Grab the reins and start creating your story on your terms, your passions, and don’t let fear ever stop you! It’s the greatest feeling to just say, “Fuck it.” And do it anyways.  

What big changes are on your horizons?  What are you holding back on, that you’ve been wanting and too afraid to accomplish?  Take a chance and see what happens!  

Ash,