DNA

Got my DNA back from ancestry…I’d say finally, but really it went fast. I was just so excited to get it. Going to try to get worldwide so I can find some old family.

It’s been so beautiful, and I love the change of seasons. I think everyone does, bc it gives them a burst of energy to get moving again. This right now, is probably my favorite time of year.

Today I’m having an off day for my depression. Not terrible or anything. Just frustrated at this relapse. I know it’s temporary and I’ll go back to regular me at some point. It’s hard when I was for the first time in 15 years feeling so much better, to all of a suden being couch bound again pretty much. All I want to do is bawl at the thought of having to feed my pets bc it’s so damn exhausting. I lost 25 lbs and not gaining it back, but thankfully not losing anymore. I need my damn infusion.

The thing people don’t seem to get, that when you are legitimately sick… all this running around chasing after them, is so hard on the body. Why? Bc we are sick! If they did their jobs the first time, it wouldn’t be so bad!

I just want to be able to live life. Why is that too much to ask for??? I see so many lazy people and I just want to hit them, bc to have a quarter of their energy, would feel amazing at this point. Don’t squander the time you’re given, bc there’s so much to life you’re just choosing to ignore!

And now back to bed for me so I can attempt to go to the bank later, to pay bills. Make of life what you want it people.

Ash,

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Darkness

depressionGraduated my past lives regressionist class.  I personally have never experienced anything to do with past lives.  I’m always told there’s a blond, that even I’ve seen a handful of times, that apparently was me before, but this has always been second hand knowledge.  Onto the next class.

I’m obsessed with lineage and history of not just my family, or country, but anywhere with some significant message to pass alone.  Most of the history I was taught, was based on wars.  Sad we are the only species that is constantly trying to eradicate and hate each other.  And I feel bad for penguins, horses and elephants too… but that’s for another time.

I’m sick as fuck and keep dropping weight, with the infusion clinic and head office not returning my calls to get my infusion done.  I’m barely eating, and now I have a cold.  You would think it would be nothing for me, with having worse symptoms daily, but when you already feel like you’re barely treading above water, getting a virus just knocks me out entirely.  And since I am a germ bag for sickness right now, I cannot get my infusion done, bc it could literally wipe me off this plain of existence.

So now I sink, waiting to naturally float back up.  Cringing at every sensitive statement that throws me either into extreme anger or pain.  Until then, maybe the bottom of the ocean isn’t so bad of a place to hide.

Ash,

Fire

You know that saying, tell me I can’t, and I’ll prove you wrong? This is one of these cases.

I’ve had so many people in my ear telling me what would be better for me movement wise and it took two friends to help me narrow my decision down. One is a big hope, the other just as fun, but on a more expected, practical side. As much as I am for making a big change, I do have to be realistic at the same time.

Friday night, I got a reading done by the first of two that helped me make my decision. Expecting certain cards in the deck to match certain cities that I had been considering, or narrowing it down to the most likely and doing a pull for each city was not what I got.

He basically said, what was it going to take to get me to finally make the jump for what I really want. Realistically health has to play a big part in this, but it can’t be my only factor or else I wouldn’t be moving.

Second was Sara. There are options anywhere I want to go, to help get me to where I need to be. I just need to see if those are possibilities I can use going forward.

But with health comes a big factor of who can I consider to be someone that I can rely on. Not want, but actually know will be there for me and my best interest. Who’s wont let me down and actually wanted and made an effort to ask me about who I am and what got me to this place, and despite their own shit, has been willing to open up with me back.

So bc of past discussions I’ve had with Steph, and how our passions are mutual when it comes to our career paths and wants, and even because she’s proven to be a consistent, hilarious, trusting and truly loving friend, even family to me, I have made my choice despite what people think I should do, or what I would do if this or that happened, to go to Arizona.

I just have to be sure it’s something I can actually, tangibly do, once I am there. If for those reasons I can’t, I’ve chose Toronto. I love it there, I have family and friends there, great metaphysical opportunities, and within my own province for keeping with my specialists, etc. Plus it would knock a bucket list like item off for me.

The only other places were Edmonton, which as great as a metaphysical area as it is, doesn’t really entice me in any other way, and Windsor. Keeps with my metaphysical again, but far from anyone I know, so I’d be alone most of the time and I don’t really know how much it truly has to offer me, in comparison to Toronto.

So go ahead and tell me why it won’t can’t or shouldn’t happen, bc I’m sick of being run in a fucking circle of the same bullshit. I haven’t gotten to truly live in 15 years, and I’ll be damned if I spend another waiting, while everyone else pretends to be going somewhere and meanwhile just sit on their asses.

And with that…

Ash,

Swirl 6

IMG_3993After a year on the reservation, my mom and grandparents went to their own places.  I moved with her to Belleville where my job was as well.

It came to be known very quickly that medicine doesn’t work easily on me.  I was told I have a very bad resistance to medicine.  Every time the doctor would try a new antidepressant, it would half ass work, she’d up it, and it wouldn’t do anything for me anymore.  She was trying to find a medication to help me sleep as well, and they never worked, so after two years of fighting to find something for me, we both decided to give up on the sleeping pills…

I have always been and still continue to be, a night person.  My parents put a black and white tv in my room when I was little, and I’d watch the French music station bc it was the only one still on all night long with aerial (yes I was raised in the country).  In high school, I’d stay up all night listening to punk music and writing newspaper styled letters to my hippy friend Jess, and creep her out by drawing anarchy symbols all over it.  She would send me peace signs lol.

I had been living at home still, and my health had been getting significantly worse.  I could no longer go for big walks like I was used to.  Dancing was out, and so was going out and partying with friends.  I started putting on weight.  Eventually I was down to working two hours a week, and decided then and there, it was time to go on disability.

One day I was looking for a cord.  I was taking a class online, and needed a cord to hear the lecture.  I couldn’t find it.  By then my sister had moved back home, and thankfully she did, bc my adrenalin kicked in for the last time.  I grabbed my VCR and threw it across the room at the wall.  Somehow it lived.  I went up to my room and started trashing it, and ripping everything apart.  I couldn’t get it to stop.  There was only one way in my messed up brain that made me think I could calm myself down.

I went downstairs, grabbed a knife, came back up and laid in bed with the knife to my wrist.  I sat there still, trying to decide whether I was going to do this again.  My mom’s little dog Winnie, that we had been given from an abusive situation, adored me.  She had been through so much, and I worked my ass off with her to make her feel safe, and be trained.  She jumped in the bed, and started screaming.  I tried to ignore her, but she was right in my face, and eventually I sat the knife down, held her, and called my sister once more.

She called my counselor who had to legally send me to the hospital.  I went, and I started to panic.  I didn’t want them thinking I was actually going to do anything, but just wanted immediate at that moment help.  Well that wasn’t the case.  I got locked up in the psych ward.  I waited.. and waited… and then asked if I could go out to the courtyard for a cigarette.  I took off lol.  I literally spent about 15 mins trying to figure out how to get out of the hospital, and then just started walking.  I made it half way home and called my mom to tell her what I did.

By that point, it’s the middle of the night, and the hospital knew I had taken off, and were threatening to call the police to come find me.  My mom came and got me, and drove me back.  So even more reason to keep me right?  They actually let me sign myself out, and go home.  I knew I was safe, and sure as fuck felt a lot safer at home than there, but that wasn’t the case.

My mom was to be in charge of giving me my medicine… which bc I was physically ill as well, consists of a lot of dispensing.  It lasted one day, until she just gave up and told me where they were.

I was referred to the Mayo Clinic in Toronto for a second opinion on my depression.  The young guy there, who wasn’t much older than I was, nailed it.  He found a medication that was known for causing horrible problems for everyone else, but it ended up being the one that saved my life.  Much better than being drugged out of Lorazepam like a robot.

I made significant changes in my life, and moved out on my own once my disability started, and did everything my counselor asked me to.  Even if I didn’t think it would work.  I did the group therapy, I had the college students come as extra support, I went to all my doctors appointments.  I was starting to feel like my old self was coming back.

One issue was that I just kept fainting every where I went.  I wouldn’t know it was going to happen and boom I’d wake up on the floor.  after complaining to my Crohn’s specialists about this and them noticing I had a heart murmur.  They decided they were going to have it double checked.

That’s when Dysautonomia walked into my life and changed everything.

As a side note, I am going through a flare with my Crohn’s Disease right now.  I have already lost 25 lbs in a short while, as well as excruciating pain through my joints, back and belly.  So bear with me being randomly gone for days on end.  If you’re truly wondering how I am coping, just ask!  I’m an open book.  

Ash,

PS For more info on what Dysautonomia is, or POTS, check out the tabs in this blog for loads of information.

Swirl 5

depressionI’m starting to detest these fucking things, but I’m finishing it… even if it takes a couple Tylenol 3’s to get through it.

I swore I was getting better.  I was so healthy in fact, I went right back to working way too much, and just kept having relapses.  Go me!  The Spring after I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease, my parents split.

This sucked bc it made me feel pinned between my parents.  I missed not seeing my dad terribly, and he wasn’t happy.  My sister stayed  with my dad, and I went with my mom.

Thankfully though, this was the best thing for our family.  My mom became a strong independent woman, and my dad and I became really close. Thanks in part to my wonderful step mom, Lois.

We moved every year.  I mean literally every year, or less.  In the short time frame of 4 years, I had lived in 8 different places.

When we got to a smaller town part way through all the moves, I was about 21, and yet again had two jobs.  I hadn’t been happy, but never thought my depression was anything I couldn’t handle.  And then I snapped.

I had this adrenalin inside of me, that I never experienced before.  I was so sad and pissed off and I couldn’t calm down.  I couldn’t see a reason for being alive anymore.  Everyone says it’s selfish to take your own life, but when you’re in that moment, you really truly feel like everyone’s lives would be better off with you not in it.

I took a leg razor, the only thing I could get to without being caught.  Pried it up and out as much as I could, and laid in my bed for 2 and a half hours trying to get at the veins in one of my wrists.  It was after that time, I finally snapped to, and called my sister into the room.

The next day after work I started seeing a mental health counselor for what she called, situational depression.  Situations do not make you try to off yourself.

At 23, I moved to Oshawa to go to Durham College.  I got to experience the dorm life, where literally everyone becomes like family to you.  I still adore and love some of those people almost 15 years later.  They will all hold a special place in my heart.

I was going to the gym, getting drunker than a disgusting mess 6 nights or more a week, I had a great boyfriend at the time, who totally understood my need to freak out and act all awkward whenever he’d say something serious about our relationship moving forward.  I think now, he just did it bc it amused him so much lol. I had the best roommate I could ask for, who is still my love to this day, even if we don’t see each other as often as we’d like.  As crazy of a year as it was, I wouldn’t trade those memories for the world.  I’m just surprised I remember it so well, bc I was not always sober LOL.

I came home after graduating, and had a really bad Crohn’s relapse.  As per usual, before I was ready, I was off working crazy hours again, and my depression came back big time.  During this same year, my grandfather started to show signs of dementia. Him and my grandma were living with us on a reservation in a small town and I lost my shit.

My adrenalin would soar so high and so quickly, I would rip things apart.  Not other people’s things, but my own.  My loved art from years of painting… destroyed.  Paints chucked that I would kill to have now, as well as the many gorgeous brushes.  I even ripped a leather purse in half bc the zipper stuck!  The worst, was when I grabbed a lazy boy rocking chair and threw it down the stairs and carried it across the basement lol.

During this time I was smart enough to get set up with a counselor.  Thankfully she came to my house to see me, and I still see her to this day, though rarely, bc my depression is now completely controlled for the most part.

I also started randomly fainting.  I noticed whenever I stood in one spot without moving, my legs would start shaking and the whole room would spin.  Up until now, I was still putting up a good fight against my physical and even emotional health.  That was about to change in ways that I am still fighting 12 years later.  My whole quality of life was about to collapse, and depression wasn’t any where near done with me yet.

Ash,

 

 

Because I Need to Be Told 50 Million Damn Times

I need to stop letting ppl decide what im capable of and just go for it myself. I have a lot of choices to make, and have the ability to choose my own path, thats right for me.

I have the tools to get where I want, but also stand in my own way spiritually. Money coming will help, but I must be smart about where and what I invest it and my heart in.

I have everything right now at my disposal. Dont let the comfort in that, make me lazy or cocky about it. Continue to work towards the big goal of the future, while being thankful with how well it’s turning out. Hard work is paying off.

Be leery of fears holding me back, getting too caught up in the fun and not the work it will take to continue. Don’t let the past discourage me from my over all goals and gifts. Go in w blind faith and hard work. The only way for the future to come in w abundance.

Whippee… I knew this already, the bastards lol.

Ash,

PS Fuck swirls