Swirl 1

My first memory was sitting in the grass at the side of a little cottage style house we lived in, in a small village. Id play with nest of gardner snakes, while my mom got laundry off the line.

My memories are very scattered until I was about six. I recall other kids being baby sat at the house, being in the basement with my grandpa holding me. I know my mom tripped up the two steps going into the room my sister and I shared and breaking her foot. I used to always fall out of bed, so my parents pushed the cardboard fridge and stove up against it to keep me in it. The cat Tiggernwe had, and the day we got Barney, our family dog. He was sitting on the floor in the kitchen, and cat watching him from atop the garbage can. I remember my fourth birthday c we went to McDonalds, and I flipped when they tried to give me a tour of the back kitchen area. I also remember hiding behind a chair during th3 Wizard of Oz when the witch was talking to Dorothy through the crystal ball. My mom thought I loved it, so she always played it. In fact it terrified me lol.

I also remember moving to our second house up on a back road away from the village a couple kilometers away. I had nightmares about the hous3 catching on fire, which would be a reoccurring dream for me, until we moved just before turning 15.

Anything bad during that time was minimal and forgotten about pretty early on.

Tomorrow ill start w the prolems that took place there.

Ash,

For now, i end w a couple of photos I’ve been wanting to share.

Ash,

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Spiral Walls

27394605_10157531482634815_1576906181_nI am doing something that’s not easy for me.  I truly believe in my heart that I do need to break down my walls to go forward in my life.  How do I do this knowing full well I’m willing to take the leap, but I don’t know where to actually jump.

So I’m going to start as far back as I can possibly remember.  I thought writing this shit out would help, but it’s not enough, because I can write fine, it’s sharing it that is my struggle.  It’s not like my life is hard, but no one has ever tried to actually ask questions about who I am and how I’m this person.

Most people would rather talk about themselves, and I’ve always been a good listener, and people open up easily to me, but then they’re comfortable and feel like everything is great.  It’s not when it’s a one sided relationship.  In 35 years I can think of two people who have actually asked me about the me on the inside.  Who were ballsy enough to dig into my past and figure it out.

I’ve had MANY different people read me, in different ways, and there has been one or two friends who’ve read me who came semi close, but never really got there either.  It’s not like I’m not willing to, I’ve just never been asked.  I’m very fine with sharing my heart, but it has yet to be asked for.

Thank YOU Sara for being the second one to actually care to ask.

So starting my next entry, health permitting tomorrow, I will be starting my journey of just getting it out there for the world to see and read it and interpret it in any way they want. I honestly don’t care about anything more than getting myself out of my own way.  I’m not a determined person, only to have my own issues be the things to stop me.

Cheers.

Ash,

 

Ppfftt

“I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell.  I know, right now you can’t tell, but stay a while and baby then you’ll see, a different side of me.”

paukks

My biggest character trait I love about myself, is also the one thing I detest in myself.  I’m stubborn!  It works so well for me, bc it gives me the drive to keep at things I want, and it is a big part of my passion, but it’s detrimental to me, bc I use it against people who I care about as a way to not let them be there for me.

A big part of this, is I simply don’t know what to ask for.  What do I need?  I know I have wonderful people in my life, but what do I need to ask of them?  I’m so used to just doing it myself, I honestly have very few situations, where I realize help is needed, let alone worth asking for.  Not downing it, I just don’t see things that way.

You either sit on your ass and do nothing, or you run yourself ragged trying to do it all and then some.  I tend to do too much.  I want to do what I can for people I care about, but don’t know when to just keep my mouth shut.  There’s a lot of need in the world.  I still find it weird, when I’m offered help at times, bc I yet again, don’t know where to delegate them.

I feel like I’m floating in a cloud of delirious glee.  Like I’ve jumped off the end of a cliff, and I don’t honestly give a shit where I land, bc I’m happily enjoying the way down.

I am so busy right now it’s nuts.  I have a page long of places I need to call, and 4 email inboxes full of people waiting for my reply, a whack load of things I should be doing around my house, and yet for once, I am complacent to just enjoy myself, instead of depending on other peoples needs to be met first.  I even did my hair dammit!

I may sound like a transvestite from this cold thing I have, but damn life is pretty awesome.

Ash,

“All day – staring at the ceiling, making friends with shadows on the wall.”

Here’s to the Night

So denied
So I lied
Are you the now or never kind
In a day
And a day love
I’m gonna be gone for good again
Are you willing
To be had
Are you cool
With just tonight

Here’s a toast
To all those who hear me all too well

And here’s to the nights
We felt alive
Here’s to the tears
You knew you’d cry
Here’s to goodbye
Tomorrow’s gonna come too soon

Put your name
On the line
Along with place and time
Want to stay
Not to go
I want to ditch the logical

Here’s a toast
To all those who hear me all too well

Here’s to the nights
We felt alive
Here’s to the tears
You knew you’d cry
Here’s to goodbye
Tomorrow’s gonna come too soon

All my time is frozen motion
Can’t I stay an hour or two or more
Don’t let me let you go
Don’t let me let you go

Here’s a toast
To all those who hear me all too well

And here’s to the nights
We felt alive
Here’s to the tears
You knew you’d cry
Here’s to goodbye
Tomorrow’s gonna come too soon
Too soon
Here’s to the nights we felt alive
Here’s to the tears you knew you’d cry
Here’s to goodbye
Tomorrow’s gonna come too soon

15592497_10155926441229815_491788822_n

Great 90’s music!  Enjoy it while it lasts, bc it’s not worth having if can’t you see that in the moment.  Cheers!

Ash,

Busy Being 


I’ve been in this crazy mode for research these last few days.  All I want to do is look up stuff non stop and learn everything I can on the subjects that I love.  

I’ve had some amazing insight lately from friends.  And I finally feel like I know what I need to do to keep my head on straight without losing my shit.  I’d been so stressed about where I was headed, that I already forgot to just enjoy the moments as they happen.

So much had been on my mind, I couldn’t figure out what I needed to do first.  If you like getting tarot card intuitive type reads, go check out the page for my favorite things.  I recommend them  all that I listed, but Odin Paranormal went to bat and really helped me figure all this shit I had been going through out.  Right now, any proceeds he makes is going to help with expenses from a relative who passed away, so the money goes to help the family out.  The link to contact him is in the favorites page above.

Christmas was decent.  My aunt from Toronto was down, and got to see all the kiddos and get new pictures of my great nephews and see family friends I don’t see as much any more. 

I’ve been thinking the last almost 6 months of needing a change of scene.  I need to build myself back up physically more before I take the plunge, but I’m considering moving.  I have no idea where, but when I find it, I’m gone asap.  

I’ve never stayed in one place long, and I feel like I keep searching for my home.  I love where I live, but it’s never been a permanent place to me, and I’ve been here 7 yrs!  Longest I have lived anywhere since I was a kid.  Health has to come first though, since none of it can happen otherwise.  I want to find somewhere that seems right.  Home may be where the heart is, but it’s not settled for me to be yet I guess!  It’s one of those, I’ll know when I find it.  All I know for now, is it will be in North America.  And most likely won’t be Ontario.  

Before I got crohn’s, l was terrified of so many things I wanted to do.  When I left the hospital. I decided no more and started living life on my terms regardless how scared I was, or what others thought.  First thing I did was get my tongue and belly button pierced.  Tongue ring sadly went after a decade bc of long term damage it would do to my teeth, but I don’t hold back.

If you’re scared to do something you know you want, just do it!  You don’t want to live a life of regrets or what ifs.  Grab the reins and start creating your story on your terms, your passions, and don’t let fear ever stop you! It’s the greatest feeling to just say, “Fuck it.” And do it anyways.  

What big changes are on your horizons?  What are you holding back on, that you’ve been wanting and too afraid to accomplish?  Take a chance and see what happens!  

Ash,

Let Yourself Be Open & Life Will Be Easier


I think unless you are Buddha, you’re going to have walls up. Defenses so deep, we don’t even know we have.  I always say fighting my depression, was way worse than any physical crap I’ve had to undergo, bc it’s all encompassing.  The brain, and how it buries memories, suppresses them, builds up walls we don’t intentionally mean to have, is absolutely fascinating to me!

In college in Psychlogy, you learn just how far others will go to fit in amongst the crowd, or do things you wouldn’t feel comfortable doing bc of morals, simply bc a person in an authority stance, told you to.

There was this one video we watched.  Everyone was an actor except, the one in the room w the person running the study.  In one room, a person was attached to wires, which was then controlled in another room by the subject and the experimenter.  The person running this, would tell the man to press the button to shock the person in the other room. As each time they did it, the shock would be stronger, and they would hear he person in the other room yell out in pain.  Unbeknownst to the person doing the shocking, it was all a test to see how far someone would go against their better judgement, purely bc a person in authority told them to.  If I recall correctly, out of every one that did the shocking, only one quit and said no.  Only one.

We’ve all done it.  Most likely not to that extreme… but doesn’t this just prove how… pathetic we all are?  That the majority of us claim to not care what people think of us, yet when about to go in public, quickly check our hair, etc.

We build these walls to protect ourselves, and then end up missing out on amazing life opportunities. We could be living life to the fullest, actually fulfilling our dreams… but instead we focus on the ones that we are least afraid of.  Mastering our skills, losing weight, getting a specific job.  These are all commendable things to aspire to, and I am as well doing the same, but what about working on breaking down barriers, getting rid of baggage that shields our hearts from fully loving and trusting one another?  How about the inside stuff, that hurts, that make us too scared to take a leap of faith?  To do something absolutely crazy and inspiring?

I’m scared of lots of things. I’m afraid I won’t be good enough, or be respected when even I know I love who I am, and am passionate about my wants for the future.  Not dreams… but things that will be a reality for me.  I freak out, step back a few paces.  The difference is, I’m not going to sit on the side lines too afraid bc so and so bullied me, or cheated on me, or bc I got sick.

Im going to get scared, step back a few paces, and then run head first and jump in with all my heart.

Now who’s really going to jump with me?

Ash,

Stop Choosing to Stay Asleep

About a year ago, I found this beautiful audio clip that I’ve saved since hearing it.  I totally forgot I had it, until tonight when I was deleting old files off my tablet. 

I think it’s one of those things, that if you’re willing to sit still for a whole 5 minutes and just listen, it could be what one of you need to hear now.  

At the time, I had been meditating for a while, and had been actually quite happy, but I had been over working myself in admin and reads.  I really didn’t want to do a meditation, and that’s when I came across this, looking for a quick morning, get it over with kind of one.  

I was doing the motions, but realised so much more I needed to do to feel fulfilled and happy, and this clip gave me the boost I needed to wake up, see things for what they really were, and actually make some changes, I didn’t know were right there in front of me the whole time.

I got to talk to a friend last night over Skype for over 4 hours.  About life, and our beliefs… And as eccentric as they are, oddly are pretty well the same lol.  I love talking about dreams for the future, and what’s fascinating to myself now and whoever I am talking to in the moment. Even got some crazy insight which I trust, but find it hard to grasp… the girl knows her stuff.  Most of all, I’m just glad she’s such a great friend, and don’t know what I’d do without her crazy ass!  She’s one of a couple people who has the predator mentality too and is just really good at masking it lmao.   I am even more pumped to see what my DNA results show for my ancestors and where my near future is going to take me.  A lot of huge, but necessary changes, which I think are just going to make me even happier!

Since I use this page primarily to share things I love and that have helped me, and how we are never alone, even when we feel like we are, I thought I’d share this with you guys and gals.  If you’re ballsy enough to listen, let me know if it made any impact for you, like it did for me so long ago. 
Have a great New Years! 

Ash, 

PS The full 12 minute audio, can be found under the title, “Letting Go”  on the Insight Timer app 

And bc these are a little different swing from your regular horoscope / astrological readings – Can be found as the Planetary Times app: